I can't help but wonder how things would be if my grandma was still around. Or even if I'd seen more of her before she died. Things were very weird then. I can't even explain how it resulted in less communication with her, but that was one result. It wasn't necessary. Things have kept their weirdness and it has increased. It's troubling but should lessen pretty soon because I'll change things.
Specifically, as of late, I've wished grandma was here to partake in some of this wedding stuff going on.
(I feel like I've written ALL of this before so....you know...if you're bored you can just go away.)
I feel like there would be more fun and less stress in the planning if grandma was helping. I just assume she'd be helping. And she'd be having fun. Because that's what she did. I guess I'd be looking forward to it a little more overall if I knew she'd be there.
I also know that if my friend Deb was still here, she'd be excited about everything too. She'd go on errands and quests with me. She'd listen. She'd probably even show up since her social anxiety seemed to be less than in past years. It's an important thing so she'd buck up and hope for the best, I'd think. She'd be excited about the cake. She'd be worried about what to wear.
Everything seems so disconnected. People are helping but things just rarely feel quite right. I don't know how to explain that either. Just over 50 days now. Hopefully I can get a lot to come together in the next few weeks. We'll have the food sorted out, the clothes (hopefully) sorted out, and a couple things checked off the list. That'll be nice.
Since I can't actually describe anything here I guess I don't have much more to tell about it.
I just think life would be more comfortable if things were how they used to be. Not perfect, but at least as expected. Things preserved, things not awkward. It would be nice. I'm not sure I'd be able to get her to dress like a pirate though...
I mean, I probably could have but THAT I can't quite imagine.
Since they won't be there, then part of me won't be there. It's the part that comes out when you're around someone specific. If they aren't there then it's dormant. There will be elements that are similar but I think every relationship with another human is unique. It's like that movie that came out, Inside Out, with the little personified feelings. The one that's the little "grandma is here" or "Deb is here" dude is retired. He doesn't show up anymore. Only in dreams and memories.
Specifically, as of late, I've wished grandma was here to partake in some of this wedding stuff going on.
(I feel like I've written ALL of this before so....you know...if you're bored you can just go away.)
I feel like there would be more fun and less stress in the planning if grandma was helping. I just assume she'd be helping. And she'd be having fun. Because that's what she did. I guess I'd be looking forward to it a little more overall if I knew she'd be there.
I also know that if my friend Deb was still here, she'd be excited about everything too. She'd go on errands and quests with me. She'd listen. She'd probably even show up since her social anxiety seemed to be less than in past years. It's an important thing so she'd buck up and hope for the best, I'd think. She'd be excited about the cake. She'd be worried about what to wear.
Everything seems so disconnected. People are helping but things just rarely feel quite right. I don't know how to explain that either. Just over 50 days now. Hopefully I can get a lot to come together in the next few weeks. We'll have the food sorted out, the clothes (hopefully) sorted out, and a couple things checked off the list. That'll be nice.
Since I can't actually describe anything here I guess I don't have much more to tell about it.
I just think life would be more comfortable if things were how they used to be. Not perfect, but at least as expected. Things preserved, things not awkward. It would be nice. I'm not sure I'd be able to get her to dress like a pirate though...
I mean, I probably could have but THAT I can't quite imagine.
Since they won't be there, then part of me won't be there. It's the part that comes out when you're around someone specific. If they aren't there then it's dormant. There will be elements that are similar but I think every relationship with another human is unique. It's like that movie that came out, Inside Out, with the little personified feelings. The one that's the little "grandma is here" or "Deb is here" dude is retired. He doesn't show up anymore. Only in dreams and memories.
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