Old Time Christmas

I miss Christmas. Not for the 300 days it's not exploding in front of my face, but how it used to be. The excitement was always as much about going to grandma's as it was about the presents. Back then all the kids were still kids (and didn't have any yet themselves) and the rarely seen aunts and uncles were a treat.
Grandma's gone now so the decorations are put away, the gatherings are infrequent, and the treats are fewer. With eating being second to only eating in life importance I get to "see" much of my family on the internet at any given moment. Generally, this isn't as much of a treat as when I saw them as a child... It happens. The fact that I likely can't expect to find a big Barbie Mansion in my living room in the morning also takes away some of the holiday thrill.
You know you're a grown up when a super awesome present is a box of various meats! (Thanks mom!)
I got my share of treats this year, and made some of my own, but they don't seem to have the correct ratio of love that grandma added in to them. She worked over a vat of chocolate for days.

At this point in life, I assume regular people start to make their own traditions and whatnot. Last year my honey and I kept watch over the Hunsicker homestead, watched Batman, ate pizza and mac and cheese, and drank lemon beer. It was pretty delightful. Not terribly Christmasy but it was our first go.
This year we had a fancy dinner with one of the many sides of my family. It was nice. Very mature and stuff. Our alternate plan was Chinese food & movies. Maybe that'll be next year.
I still opened my epic stocking; I don't think I've ever missed out on that one. I got a stuffed pink dragon in a tutu from my mommy! I ate too many delicious things and I wore a t-rex Christmas sweater. Pretty damn festive.

But...without grandma, the holiday spirit is a dull glow of what it once was. Maybe it's just a part of getting older--maybe next year I'll get myself a Barbie Mansion to put together and play with at an obscenely early hour Christmas morning. (More likely it'll be a Lego mansion of some sort.)

Until the spirit returns, I'll always have Solstmas. The cheer pressure is much lower when the Pagans are involved. 

I can't hear, smell, or taste.

I've been sick for days. It's exhausting having to focus to breathe. And what do I lay here worrying about? I worry about the house I'm unable to clean, the job that I'm postponing only a day (even though there's probably nothing to do), the job I'm going to struggle to finish, the money I need to put in the bank, the dog who is bored out of her mind. I'm so over this shit. With the exception of the dog, I don't care about any of it. Not one of those things is all that helpful to me other than the money I'll get to pay my bills which are usually not much use to me either. I just had a rage and then had an immediate deja vu which, to me, means I'm entirely correct in my rage. I don't want to do anything for anybody anymore. Not many people do anything for me so why would I spend my energy? I'm not actually upset, as I'm sure I sound, I'm just tired. Decisions need to be made some time. And it's not to say these things aren't good sometimes. They are helpful so I'm not homeless, or people giving me things to do to help out my finances--that's great, but right now I don't care. Coming back to life after 2 days of coma level activity is crap. I try to give my time and it doesn't work so if you want me or need me, you know where to find me. I'll be with my honey doing the shit we want to do.
Not that anyone will be looking. The people who might look, are the people who don't need to generally. If you're on my team, you probably know you are, if you aren't sure then it's likely you're not. There may be some neutrals but for now, I'm just going to ignore it all.

I've never blogged on my phone before.

Seeing as it's nearly 5am and I haven't been able to sleep for hours after waking from a dream where someone was shooting at me, it seemed like a good time as any to do some blogging. Strange things cross your mind at these times. Such as: it smells like stale hippie in here, I wonder what he's muttering about amidst snores next to me, and I wonder if I'll ever find the perfect cupcake.

I also suddenly missed my grandma & remembered, as I have many times, that the year or so before she died I saw less of her than I had in a long time. At least this is how I remember it. Nothing unusual was going on & we never talked as much as some of the rest of the family. I'm not much of a phone person in general. But I also remember being not so in the "mood" for much family time. This had not 1 thing to do with her but that was just the deal at the time. I was having enough issues with the job I hated at the time & didn't have energy for my occasionally bizarre family. I wouldn't call myself a black sheep but I will go with "sparkly sheep." I have little in common with most of them & that's ok, preferable in most ways, but sometimes it's stressful for completely pointless reasons. I love them and I'm pretty sure they love me but I used to over think things more than I do now. I care about THEM but not what they believe or the decisions they make. I have as much input there as they do in my decision making. Since this may have resulted in me seeing less of my grandma when I had the chance it's definitely something I would have changed given the chance. But maybe it didn't make anything different, who knows. The last time I saw her I got a big hug as I was leaving to go to a birthday party for someone I'm not friends with anymore. Seems pretty lame now.
I don't have a time machine & thus is life.