The Rules of Kansas

I got this at work one day when I was feeling grumpy. It cheered me right up!
This sums up all that is great and frightening about Kansas .
Fort Hays didn’t make me love god but they tried their best.

Rules of KANSAS
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-70 goes east and west, and Hwy 75 goes north and south, and the Kansas Turnpike goes cattywonka. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat KANSAS BEEF & corn on the cob. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of December.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
10. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
12. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
13. K-State and KU College and high school basketball is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try K-State or, KU, Fort Hays or Emporia State or Washburn. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.
16. We have lots of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, so don't Mess with Kansas. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

Ah, good old midwestern folk. :)