2023: A Year for Love?

Something that was very present for me this year was the realization and understanding that I've had FAR more invisible barriers for my entire life than I ever considered possible. What I'm still working on is giving myself some god damn grace for it, as I would for anyone else. 

Along with my interactions with the world, learning more about myself, coming to understand bigger things better, I've made the discovery that LOVE is an intentional act. I'm talking about romantic, platonic, shallow, rooted, short-lived, eternal, all of it. I believe there are so many kinds of love that we collectively dismiss because it's not what Valentine's Day commercials show. 

If you're not actively loving, you're not quite there yet. And that's ok. I didn't realize it until I did. You can love in whatever way you want, but if you're giving it with no reservations, then I applaud you. And I don't mean, like, the "good vibes" or "thoughts and prayers" kind of love. That's care and kindness, which is lovely, but there's something more to it that I can't quite put into words. Maybe some day I'll be able to. The actions are the same, really, but there is something internal that needs to click for it to be genuine. I suppose it's simply the intention. If it's a habit then is it still intentional? I dunno. Maybe for some. Maybe over time it's the same? 

The world needs more kindness, which has to be rooted in love. Where else would it come from? Capitalism? No. That's cruel, inherently, by design. Individualism? That's what makes us all amazing, but love is collective. If we're not creating a system in which people are able to feel loved, then we're failing. Not only should we be able to survive, we should be able to thrive around barriers. We all know this, but we can't enact it without the puppeteers working on a large scale. Any of us can do one thing at a time, though, right?  

Don't get me wrong, not everyone earns or deserves your active love. But everyone deserves love. Everyone. The worst festering human turd on the planet deserves love. They're only a walking turd because they don't have love in the first place. That doesn't mean it has to come from you. Or me. Or anyone we know. The person to love that turd might not even know they exist, but maybe some day they will fall upon something resembling what they should have had before their turd status fully bloomed. Do not sacrifice yourself for love. Love and trust are the not the same. It's given freely, accepted by those who know it's value, and that's the end of it. Maybe it encourages others to decide to be active in love as well, but that choice is upon them. 

All the love in the world can't fix something that's broken, but it can perhaps give space for the tools that can fix things to find their way to the right places. Maybe love can smooth a road for someone. Maybe love can soften a hard landing. Maybe love can offer a realization. The fun and/or horrific part is that we have no idea how it'll go until it's already out there. We can't hold on to the outcome. It's up to us to give it, like releasing a balloon (please never release balloons, it kills animals) and never knowing where it'll land. 

So, what am I saying? A bunch of stuff that's very complex whittled down to a few words minutes away from a new year. There are a million different kinds of love and you choose which ones are the most important for you. Make it an action, especially if it involves living things, and release the need for reciprocity. That's what makes it joyful. I'm not saying you should give effort to those who dismiss or devalue you. Nope. That's giving them energy, that's different. Love can use energy but it's like a spout in Wonka's factory--a million dials for all manner of things. Some you always leave on, some you never use, some you're still not sure what to do with. Maybe you even need more, maybe you need to retire some. 

All I know for sure is that sometimes I feel like a real life Care Bear and if I can't burst into a rainbow, I don't even know what. It applies to people I love and care for regularly, it applies to people who have been awful to me, it applies to people living in the worse kind of fear imaginable, it applies to people living in the luxury only unethical wealth can provide, it applies to baby kitties on the internet. (It doesn't even mean I always LIKE them.) I want to shoot it out of my glowing tummy in all directions and hope beyond hope that it'll get where I want it to. It often won't. That's ok. I know it's out there. It's not wasted, I have more. You can have some. 

I wish I had better words to explain how I'm developing these thoughts but it's a work in progress, and I'm hoping to learn more so that I can speak on it with less chaos. Chaos Bear. 

I didn't watch it this holiday season but...to quote a movie that gets at some of what I'm saying; yes, even with all it's now problematic moments: 

'Love, actually, is all around." 

I hope you find all you need in 2024. 

Musical Flavor #489, 488, 487, & 486. This one's a rough set. Blah.

 #489: Phil Spector and Various Artists, 'Back to Mono (1958-1969)'

I didn't opt to listen to this one again, even though it had been a while since I listened. It has good songs--great songs, actually. I just wasn't in a Phil Spector mood. (If you're confused, go look it up.)

 

#488: The Stooges, 'The Stooges'

It's alright. Not really my thing, but it was decent enough working music. 

#487: Black Flag, 'Damaged'

I get it, I really do. It's just not my thing. I couldn't finish it. It is NOT good working music unless I was working pulling weeds or something. I'm glad I gave it a try. It has it's place. 

#486: John Mayer, 'Continuum'

Ok. Almost half of this is "hmm...this is nice." The other more-than-half is "OMG THIS IS SO BOORRRIIIINNNNGG." So, whatever you want to do with that. I do not care for this man's voice about 95% of the time. It's like an over cooked noodle. His talent as a musician is fine but, listening to it as something other than background music is nearly enough to put me to sleep. WAKE UP, JOHN. 

Musical Flavor #492, 491, & 490. So I don't lose my place!

 #492: Bonnie Raitt, In the Nick of Time. 

This one deserves it's own post. It's awesome. I think Too Soon to Tell is my favorite song. 

She's underrated outside of her genre, for sure. Of all the albums I've listened to so far, this is the one that got set to repeat the most. 

#491: Harry Styles, Fine Line

I'll fully admit I didn't previously give Harry any time. He's quite nice. The majority of his songs I've heard kinda sound the same but at least it's a same that it's too bad. I kinda get it now. 

Watermelon Sugar is a great summer song. I don't care. 

#490: Linda Ronstadt, Heart Like a Wheel

The standards on here are great, but the rest doesn't really do it for me. You're No Good, obviously, is a classic. No question. I'm striking out on the 70s in general--the artists aren't to blame, it's me. 

FREE HUGS

Do you know what touch deprivation is? It's also called touch starvation, which I think is weird and overly dramatic but it's often used. 

Touch deprivation was a topic when we were more in the midst of isolation, but it's always around. There are many people who don't care for much physical touch out and about in the world and actively avoid it, but there are also people who just have more solitary lives for any number of reasons. It's a human thing. (I imagine it's probably an animal thing, in general, but my point is that we're all naturally effected.)  

When we were most distanced we missed out on hugging loved ones, that one is obvious, but there are also other things like a pat on the shoulder, handshakes, high fives, whatever. I'd imagine teachers who work with young children would have noticed it somewhat, since they're prone to more pats and pokes and whatnot. 

Whether it's on purpose or for safety sake, touch deprivation can have negative effects on anyone. I may be the most socially touchy person within hundreds of miles--we're not always super into affectionate things here in the midwest. When we had to be isolated it was definitely noticeable, but it's still a factor. 

I'm not a scientist but here is my hypothesis and assumptions. Because I was severely touch deprived for my first many weeks of life, I believe I'm more sensitive to it. I didn't realize it when I was younger, but I don't know if that's because I didn't think of it or know of it, or if it has changed as I've gotten older. I also had more family contact as a kid. I saw grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins more. I obviously lived with a parent, I was around more young people, and I think you typically get more kinds of affection and physical touch just playing as a child than as an adult. 

I think with my predisposition to it, plus pandemic, it's extremely noticeable now. I don't know if it will decrease as we get more "back to normal" or if I'm just stuck with it now. Who knows. 

The effects of touch deprivation are increased stress, anxiety, depression, higher blood pressure and heart rate, muscle tension, and a less robust immune system...among others. I kinda already have all that floating around but pandemic times did not help. I'm 100% certain it's part of why my blood pressure has increased, as well as general anxiety. Like, there's been a LOT of other contributing factors for increased stress and there was a confluence of wackadoo things all around the same time but this is one of them. I think also I have some lingering Covid things that are just pissing me off and it's all a bundle of annoyance. 

It's quite an unpleasant and maybe indescribable sensation. I've read many things about it describing the effects it has, but never what it FEELS like. I want to say my skin hurts? Though I can't say it's truly painful... It's almost like constant feeling the texture of your skin is changing, like your changing into something else...some other substance that's not human skin. Ya know?? Wut? 

Part of why I have been pondering it more lately is because on my spring break trip I got soooo many extra hugs. My body was so grateful to be out of that desert and into the hug oasis. I got bear hugs, tall hugs, mom hugs, kids hugs, skinny hugs, fluffy hugs, all the hugs. I get hugs at home too, of course, but not to that level. I don't think my cats count since it's just rage hugs with them. So angry but so fluffy and cute. Pets do help, if they're occasionally snuggly. 

Only mildly related to this is that I sure miss my grandma's hugs. (Grandma Jessie. The Johnson's aren't robust huggers, myself excluded.) Do people have signature hugs? I think so. It's hard to find another like one you're so familiar with. You have to be approximately the same size and shape, with the same level of huggyness. Then there's the smell of the person, the level of joy for the hug, what else? That's a whole different tangent. 

So, what's my point? I dunno. It was just in my brain and I needed to make room because it's too full in there. My bonus point is- hug people when you can. Hold hands. Sit close. Sniff your friends. Whatever. It's for their health. 

Supplemental Log: (Because I got impatient and forgot a thing, and I also had a shower realization.)

1) Men are more prone to touch "starvation" than women. I assume that's because they are typically less affectionate but also women are typically doing more of the family caregiving, which would result in more physical contact. On the flip side, I figure this is also what contributes to women being more prone to being touched out. No mas. Leave mama alone. Ask them, they'll tell you. 

Moral of that: Toxic masculinity is killing you. Do better fathers, for your children.

Shower realization: The last time I had a very specific bout of this was when I moved away from Hays. I left all of my friends and two little bity boys who utilized Taffy like a piece of playground equipment. 

A Day in the Life of an Honorable Admin

Now that I've made it to the evening I kinda forgot today was all one day. 

First, I got up and ready at a normal adult time so that I could have a nice thank you breakfast with the Provost for our work on the recent student recognition programs. (I will get up and adult for breakfast. Now you know the secret.) Kevin and a couple other faculty folk were there and we had a really nice, real-talk conversation about student programs, enrollment, Kansas issues, and all kinds of things. Plus, we got to poke fun at Kevin for his big professor words. This is pretty common. It's out of love. It's rare, however, to get so much nearly one-on-one time with the Provost, so that was a treat. She's ultra busy and overloaded but she really cares about what is going on. 

Then we had a couple student visits that went a bit longer than admissions probably would have liked. Sorrynotsorry. 

Then we hosted a group of Foundation board members and staff in Tiger Village, where my nuggets live. For those who don't know, Foundation = People Who Direct the Donor Money. So, it's important. This was our first opportunity since I've been here to talk to them directly about why the HC is awesome and what we'd like to see in our future. (Scholarship funds and more positions/salary, pleeeeeease.) We had 5 amazing students attend to give their thoughts. They're so good at speaking about their experience and what they want for themselves and others, they're so excited and passionate about what they're doing and what we're doing, they're grateful and generously complimentary of our support, and they're really proud to be part of our campus. It's a joy to hear that what we're doing makes such a difference for them. They are why we're here though. They make this place what it is. 

The fact that our brilliant students are willing and able to articulate the value of our school and our program, and us as faculty and staff, will do more than they know to help their fellow Tigers down the road. Their words were heard. 

Kevin and I were given a lot of (well earned) credit for the current overwhelming* successes, by our Vice President of Student Affairs, Joey. He made it known to everyone there that we're doing the work that needs doing. He asked how many recognition programs we attended (I think it's all but one), because he knows we were at all of them. He said our efforts are recognized. We often have our doubts in the often icky climate that is higher ed, so it can be a little bit exceptional to get straight up recognition. One of Joey's laments, which I've heard a couple times since I've also taken a class with him, is that the further he advanced in his career the less student contact he has. He spent some time afterward talking to our students about the value they can bring in speaking to prospective students.

On the third or fourth time he said "one more thing, then I'm leaving..." he said "today filled my heart with joy" to hear from such committed students. The man LOVES his Tigers, and we love him for it. He genuinely is the cheerleader for everything FHSU. I'm so glad that he was able to experience what we get to see all the time. 

After all of that, I went to a little social function with some of my HESA classmates. I got to meet some people I'd only seen in a signature line, so that was kind of nice. 

Now I'm exhausted but I wanted to write this out because it was a really rewarding day, overall, in the midst of an otherwise really bleak week. I didn't get a lot done, but at the same time it was more productive than a day where my inbox looks nice. You need some of both. 

*I mean literally overwhelming. Our incoming class for fall 2022 is....approximately GINORMOUS. I'm legitimately unsure how we're going to work out some of the usual things we do because there's still only two of us. We have to do the same job we've done with an average of 17 freshman students with over 40 freshman students, plus non-freshmen. Plus, you know, I'll be in two graduate classes at the same time. I think I'm even going to forego a reminder email for our application deadline. They've met the challenge. We have more than we can handle, but we're going to make it work. FHSU is a very "we'll make it work" sort of place. They need to get it together and pay people but...that's a different post. I am rich in nice feelings, if not in pay. 

Fat women deserve larger font.

 I shared this on Facebook. The place where nobody cares five minutes later. So I'm adding it here too. 

Instead of a highly paid plus model to make the point, maybe an underpaid doer-of-everything is more relevant. 

Anyway. 

Since I'm in a PSA mood today, I'll go ahead and give you a few more. This is a two for one. 

1) Fat women are awesome. Not just when we're the right kind of fat, not just when we have big titties--which aren't there for you unless gifted to your face, not just when we have fat girl personality, not just anything. We just ARE. If you don't care for fat women, that's a you problem, not an us problem. If you're smaller, then you're just smaller. You're not better, you're not stronger, you're not smarter, you're not more worthy, and you're not healthier. If you care that you're smaller...well then you're definitely sMalLEr. We're not all sad that we're fat and you aren't. If you're sad about you, I'm sorry. Don't be. It's ok if we intimidate you, we're used to it.  

2) This also applies to men because equality, equity, and feminism is also 👏 here 👏 for 👏 men. 2a) and any fucking level of any fucking gender or sexuality that exists because you're valid and it doesn't matter what norms you have to break to be you. BREAK THEM ALL.

I'm gonna need ya'll to be aggressively hot. You will always and forever be not good enough for someone, somehow. 

So be extra anyway, just because you can.  

Musical Flavor #493, Marvin Gaye, 'Here, My Dear' (1978)

  #493- Greatest Albums of All Time

Everyone knows Marvin Gaye songs. "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" was a favorite as a kid--thanks California Raisins! "What's Going On" is still too relevant and, of course, "Let's Get It On" & "Sexual Healing" will live forever. But I don't know a LOT of Marvin Gaye songs and I didn't know much about him as a person. 

This particular album is interesting here on the 500 because it didn't do well. After his marriage failed he wrote this hoping that it would fund his alimony. He owed millions in taxes at the time and his addiction to cocaine was...not going well.  

Interesting side note: his marriage may have failed, in part, due to the fact that he had a child with his wife's very underage niece. #Problematic! The girl was also the niece of Motown founder Barry Gordy. Marvin's wife, who was unable to get pregnant, adopted the child and he was named Marvin III.

I also did not know that Marvin was killed by his own father (a minister), who had abused Marvin for his whole life. His father was given a reduced charge due to the discovery of a brain tumor. Dr. Dre is said to be working on a biopic that will come out in 2023. It'll be quite a story. 

The best (non-tragic) thing I learned in doing some research was that he was greatly influenced by Frank Sinatra. 

What a brutal life. Yet, a voice so sweet. 

Would I listen again? Meh...this album is not music I enjoy actively listening to. It was great background music for reading about his life but I wouldn't be likely to put it on for fun. 

I don't dig it so much, but it's been fascinating. I suspect I'd enjoy the words in their poetic form more so than as songs. He was going THROUGH some things. 

I did dig most of the 8 minutes of "A Funky Space Reincarnation", that one I'd listen to on purpose. 

Musical Flavor #494, The Ronettes, 'Presenting the Fabulous Ronettes' (1964)

 #494- Greatest Albums of All Time

This is the definition of oldies pop. I don't know what makes it stand out against the maaaany other similar albums and groups of the time, but it gets the job done if you're in the mood for a milkshake at the bar wearing your pointy bra. You'll recognize many of the songs unless you're simply too young or have voluntarily lived under a rock. 

Chapel of Love is simply iconic.

{I have thoughts about how Ronnie's multiracial family influenced her musical talents, while her melatonin was subdued enough to soothe white listeners and how a lot of "oldies" were coopted Black music made palatable for white people. But that's like a whole different blog.}

Veronica, aka "Ronnie", just died a couple weeks ago. If it wasn't due to her relationship with her producer, Phil Specter (who regularly threatened to kill her, squashed her career, and once "surprised" her with twin children for Christmas...wtf) she would have probably done a lot more really amazing things. But she did a lot with what she had and she influenced generations. 

Would I listen again? Of course. 

I dig it. 

Rest in peace and power, Ronnie. 

Musical Flavor #495, Boyz II Men, 'II' (1991)

 #495- Greatest Albums of All Time

Boyz II Men, 'II' (1991)

Oooooh yeah...this one takes me back. The majority of these so far have been things I've never even heard of, this though...this I've listened to maaaany times. This was one of the first CDs I ever owned. I think I got it for my birthday in high school when I got a badass stereo. (I also got Madonna's Bedtime Stories, that year, and I bought myself my first CD--Michael Jackson's HIStory: Past, Present and Future, Book I .)

"Yesterday" was by FAR my favorite song on the album. I listened to it on repeat. My mom might even remember this album for that reason. It's a good song already, but their version was just amazing. 

It's a nice variety and mix of pop and R&B and it's just a nice time. 

Would I listen again? I haven't listened to this since maybe high school but it was nice to revisit. I don't imagine I'll seek it out often, but I definitely enjoy the throwback. 

I dig it, I have for a long time. 

Musical Flavor #496, Shakira, 'Dónde Están los Ladrones' (1998)

 #496- Greatest Albums of All Time

Shakira, 'Dónde Están los Ladrones' (1998) 

I guess now is the time to admit that I'm really not much of a Shakira fan, but this is likely because I've heard all of one song about 5 million times. (And I don't even dislike that song, necessarily.) 

 This album is solid though. I have no complaints. It's upbeat and fun and I have no idea what the lyrics are. The standout song for me is the last one, "Ojos Asi", because it seems to have the most fusion of different styles. The Lebanese influence definitely comes out in this one and I like it. 

I imagine I'd like it better if I understood it. Maybe? The music is still fun though. Definitely dance-worthy. 

Would I listen again? I wouldn't reject it...and I've already listened to that final song multiple times, so I guess so! 

I dig it.  

Musical Flavor #497, Various Artists, 'The Indestructible Beat of Soweto' (1985)

 #497- Greatest Albums of All Time

Various Artists, 'The Indestructible Beat of Soweto' (1985)

 

This is a great time. It features Ladysmith Black Mambazo and other artists from South Africa. I listened to it many times over in my office because it's worth it. (If you listen to YouTube Music it will also play similar music, but tends to return to replay the album. This is how I learned that Dolly Parton and Ladysmith Black Mambazo, covered Knockin' On Heavens Door! I had no idea.)

If you want something upbeat this is what you need. It's full of joy. 

Would I listen again? Definitely! 

I dig it. 

Musical Flavor #498, Su*c*de, 'Su*c*de' (1977)

 #498- Greatest Albums of All Time

Su*c*de, 'Su*c*de' (1977)  (The algorithms seem to not like the word so I've edited for posting.)

Another band I've never heard of and definitely a genre I don't listen to much. This band is considered punk, new wave, electronic, synth-pop, and more. It's not screamy like one might think if you're not a punk fan. It's quite the opposite, for the most part. It's mostly mellow and has a bit of a random oldies pop feel to it. None of this really fits with the title so don't let that scare you away.

I get Jim Morrison meets Bowie meets Eraserhead vibes. (If THAT scares you away then...maybe for the best.) It has a steady background vibration throughout making it feel like one long-ass song. I have no idea what they're talking about so I might have to defer to my honey for that since he's the one that listens to the lyrics. 

The whole album is only about 40-someting minutes so check it out if you're not sure if you'd like it. It's dark but delightful. It's charming and weird. (It lists "Bela Lugosi's Dead" as similar music--which some may remember was played at our wedding.)

It reminds me of True Romance, which is awesome. 

Does this album make me wish I was on drugs and wearing scarves? Yes. 

Would I listen again? I already have. It's weirdly rhythmic and meditative...like I accidentally joined a cult. 

I dig it. 

Musical Flavor #499, Rufus, featuring Chaka Khan, 'Ask Rufus' (1977)

 #499: Greatest Albums of All Time

Rufus, featuring Chaka Khan, 'Ask Rufus' (1977)

This is definitely a genre of music I don't listen to very often. It's a mood. One I guess I'm just never quite ready for. I enjoy it, for sure, I just don't seek it out. I have the same relationship with soup and raspberry flavored things. 

What I know of Chaka Khan is, of course, "I'm Every Woman" & "Tell Me Something Good." This is exactly the kind of thing that makes me enjoy this project I've assigned myself. She deserves more space in my head than 2 songs. 

Does this album make me want to roller skate and fluff up my hair? Is it smooooooth like a dang milk shake? 

Yep! Egyptian Song is a treat awaiting you at the end.

Would I listen again? Yes. I may not think to go listen to it often but I wouldn't kick it off a playlist.

I dig it, it's groovy.  

Musical Flavor: Intro and #500: Arcade Fire, 'Funeral'

I thought it might be fun to explore some new music. It's not that I don't have a very eclectic assortment of favorites already, but I'm definitely not any kind of audiophile. I like what I like and it may or may not have anything to do with what it's about or whether it's actually any good. I'm very lowbrow and I'm totally ok with that. But why not branch out?  

To accomplish this, I've decided to listen to the 500 greatest albums of all time, according to Rolling Stone. I aim to provide some kind of commentary on each but don't expect me to do them justice. I don't know squat about lyrical content or musical composition. It will largely consist of whether I dig it or not. 

Now, Rolling Stone has updated this list a few times. I started on an older version so I listened to half of Aquemini, by Outkast. (Which was pretty cool and I'll finish it eventually. Maybe I'll throw it in as a bonus--if it's not still on the list, I haven't figured that out yet.) The newest list update is from 2020, so it's pretty up to date. 

#500 is: 

Arcade Fire, 'Funeral' (2004)

I've never heard of this album or the band, so I didn't know what to expect. Generally, I don't really know what's exceptional about it. It's not bad and it has a lot going on without being too scattered. They utilize a ton of different instruments and styles. The beginning didn't excite me a lot, but a few songs in it definitely gets a bit better. It has moments where it makes me think of Velvet Goldmine, which is a good thing. (Crown of Love, for sure, but it happened a couple other times.) 

I'd recommend headphones (which, is usually the case with anything worth listening to, right?) because there is a lot going on in the under current that I think you just won't hear otherwise. It's kinda...delicately arranged. Or something.  

Did I bop my head? Yes. 

Would I listen again? Yes, I would. There's more to it than you can glean in one listen. I predict it'll grow on me. (Especially if Jason takes a liking to it because then it'll be played to death in my house.) 

I mostly dig it. 

I’m not a unicorn. (Usually*.)

If you know me, you know I have a lot of shower thoughts. Since I’ve switched to the alternative Covid schedule I’ve often been showering at night, at which time I’m just aiming to get out and get comfy. This isn’t the point of this at all, other than today I showered early in the day and had an excess of shower thoughts. So, now I know the difference between my AM & PM shower modes. 

I don’t know why I thought of unicorns. 

My boss and I have a unicorn connection. I don’t know why or where it came from, entirely. I have a unicorn pen and card deck on my desk (I miss you, desk) that we often reference. My boss will reenact the unicorn life advice from my pen. It’s just what we do and who we are. 

One part of the thought was this: I’m not really different from anyone else. Not any more or less than most. But a little bit goes a long way. My life has been weird. It is weird. It will continue to be weird. Some I chose, some I didn’t. Some is good, some is bad. It’s life. Just like everyone else. All stories are different but they still have a beginning, middle, and (hopefully a long ways off) an end. 

I still am not sure how I got to unicorns. 

However I got there, it led to me assertion that I am, in fact, not a unicorn. I’m a muleicorn. Or a donkicorn. That detail is TBD. 

I was not born with a magical horn. I had to build that shit myself. The great thing about becoming your own whatever-icorn is that you get to actually make it what you want. Some people ARE unicorns. They have a special and magical life that most others don’t have. But how would they know any different? Can you know it’s special if you’ve never seen the alternative? Maybe? I’m sure there’s some kind of standard philosophical quite I could throw in there. Insert your own, I guess. 

The thing about the muleicorn is that it can really carry a lot. It can be loaded down and piled high and it’ll just trudge through the path. Muleicorn can carry a lot. Don’t underestimate the muleicorn. 

I can carry a lot. Sometimes it’s too much and things need to be dropped. Sometimes I’m underestimated and I’ll stomp a hoof. But I’m built for this in ways not all are; that’s how my horn was created. My horn is made from stronger stuff than the ones that come on their own. It won’t break or shatter and when the load is too much I’ll need to buck some off and have a little rest by a stream. That’s ok. Nothing to be sad about. We all need a rest sometimes. Watch the hooves though... They may be unpredictable. 

*The exception to my broad statement, because I’ve said it many times, is India. In India, I definitely felt like a unicorn. Unlike anyone in sight in many ways. For some, that would definitely be unsettling but it’s not a position I find threatening or terribly uncomfortable. I think it’s quite enjoyable to be among those who are unlike you. It gives you an opportunity, in different ways than usual, to find out how they ARE like you (because they are) and also to learn about the differences. 

When the stars are aligned and the light is shining in just a certain way I may appear as a unicorn, and feel a little extra sparkle, but it’s just temporary—like fancy shoes. When the festivities die down, I’ll kick off the shoes that pinch and I’ll be back to my good old muleicorn self; not quick or exotic but sturdy and steadfast. Don’t worry about how much I can carry, I’ll let you know when it’s too heavy. 

                                               

Benjamin Button of Maturity

Disclaimer: I'm not saying any of the following is good or bad.
I'm not looking for any platitudes or anything.
It's just an observation of my life journey, and I thought it was interesting.
I'm not suffering, other than specific moments, I'm enjoying the ride at this point.

I think a lot of people are doing this to some extent, to which just depends on who they are and how they were made. But I'm going to try to wordify my experience.

I feel like I'm doing a Benjamin Button (he aged in reverse) with my level of maturity. But it's compartmentalized. I MIGHT come out of this hell with a level of being able to "go back" to my youth with what I know now. That's what everybody wants, right? People always say "oh, if I knew then what I know now." Who wouldn't go back and get into or out of some shit that they didn't when they were dumb? I'd most likely get into more shit. Or different shit?

When the pandemic started, and I was working from home, I got dressed more often and got more done. I found that I only wanted to listen to music that I listened to in college/high school. Later, I started listening to music I liked in jr. high. Now that I'm working it all out I suddenly have a great need to listen to 80s Madonna because that was my JAM in elementary school.

I've found that my attitude has been on a similar journey, and all of these carry bits of each of the others when I transition.

I started off with a bit of my college vibe: A mix of back and forth between "this is all I need in life" and "existing is the worst and I can't do anything."

Next, came the high school vibe: "Wtf is wrong with you... You know, what. Nobody cares what I'm doing so I'm just gonna do my thing here and you all can do whatever." With, like, annoyance and sprinkles of #mood (if that would have been a thing back then.)

I'm thinking this places me currently in my jr. high vibe: With the inclusion of my pets being some of my only friends and only wearing stretchy pants or shorts, this is the BEWARE vibe. We can call this the Blevins vibe, because that's the torturous shit hole I was stuck in with my mini army of allies. This mainly consisted of Amy, who is still in my army since 3rd grade- will crush you like a bug, physically or verbally, if you annoy the army; and Terri- beanpole lunatic that is utterly unpredictable but she kinda wants to fuck shit up; and maybe a few others here and there that were allies.

Blevins vibe is as so: Loooong bouts of silence, staying up late for no reason, eating weird stuff for breakfast, and avoiding all the people...until... "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME!? DID YOU JUST LOOK AT MY FRIEND? I WILL PILEDRIVE YOU INTO THIS FUCKING WALL IF YOU SAY SOMETHING. JUST SAY SOMETHING, WON'T YOU." * goes home to sing Madonna and annoy my mother *

Fun sidenote: a psycho kid, who I'm sure is now a psycho adult, called me a "fat whore" one day, for the last time. With the army behind me I attempted to break his legs. Both legs. With my feet. He punched me in the shoulder. We had to go talk to the principal. He got suspended, I got a "well...we get it but please don't fight. Go back to class now."

Second fun sidenote: I once screamed at my PE teacher while we were trying to play indoor kickball. I said some bad words at him and turned around and crossed my arms. I don't entirely remember why but I definitely hated him, and pretty much all PE teachers after that.

So here's the moral of the story. I've refilled my cup of sweetness over and over again in life. I will continue to do so because I'm fucking nice and I like being nice even if everyone else is an asshole.
BUT...
Once you get down to the bottom of the cup, there's a spring loaded napalm of salt and vinegar that will come slap you right in your stupid face. It's not even generally unwarranted though it may be more bitter than necessary.
Also, maybe don't play kickball with me.

Now that I'm all grown and whatever, I can sooometimes do it more tactfully but if my cup is empty it's empty. Nobody knows where the lever is so just be prepared. (My husband might have an idea of when it's getting close but, honestly, I'm usually in weird delightful spirits around that time because there's less weight in the cup. So maybe it's ok with him. He's a bit salty, it doesn't worry him. And I don't aim it at him because he's my pirate and that would be uncool because we share part of the same cup.)

Shower Rant #1: Gay Cake

The shower seems to be the only time my brain gets to churn things over. That, and the bouts of insomnia. Today was a multi-level shower thoughts day. Item #1: the gay cake/face mask argument. If they can refuse to do business with the gays for being gay, then we can refuse to do business with the maskless for being maskless. Nope. Not the same.

It's a slipper gray slope, even for me, to what extent businesses can refuse to serve people for a million different reasons--dress code, cover charge, intoxication, tattoos, etc. Many of those reasons are due to prejudice and privilege, many are due to safety. Some can be construed as both. We're accustomed to it.

The "I told you so" style post going around is misdirected, in my opinion. It's equating wearing a mask to being gay. We all generally know this is different but the point is directed at people who believe otherwise so you really gotta dumb it down. So, if they say "you know what, this business is totally within their rights to deny me service for not wearing a mask cause this is ‘Merica and that's freedom and nobody has to make no cake for no gays neither!" are we good with that? Are we ok making that an even line? I'm not. Everybody should have cake. (I'll bypass the point about why you shouldn't want your beautiful cake make by a shithead in the first place. I don't have it in me to start that too.)

One point is about the safety and well-being of others and one point is about being a hateful hypocritical prick. DIFFERENT. I have other bullet points I could add here but I'll get off topic. I did in the shower.

You can't catch gay. You can catch Covid. You can't die from a random surprise of gay marriage. You can die from not wearing a seatbelt. Rules are for safety. They aren't generally based on who you ARE as a HUMAN. They are across the board. Like, if you're not tall enough then you can't ride the roller coaster...it’s not if you’re not tall enough and didn’t adopt a shelter pet. It's not based on your qualities otherwise.

You aren't refused a driver’s license if you are just an asshole, but they'll limit you if you've been unsafe. You aren't denied insurance just because you're an asshole, but the price changes based on your habits. There's nothing keeping you from doing anything that you aren't doing to yourself when rules are made about safety. A VERY small number of people have specific health and wellness problems that are made more difficult by wearing a mask. Now, if they are an asshole and don't have any friends to help them out well that sucks for them.

If the thing you're doing isn't worth a few minutes of a slight annoyance, is it actually worth doing? I mean, do you NEED to go to the Dollar Store? Really? And if you do need to, then toughen up. We need to get over ourselves. Every time we have to do something slightly annoying we should consider the people who volunteered to do it for endless hours simply because we need to have a barbecue with all the neighbors.

Escape from 16th St.: A Nightmare

Last night's nightmare:

I was leaving a mall and walking to my car at the end of the parking lot. It was dark and there weren't many people around. Something or someone near the building was playing a clip of people fighting; it was very loud and sounded real so a bunch of security people ran over. I kind of laughed because I knew it was just a video or something.

As soon as they figured out it was not an issue I looked down to the street through an opening in the parking garage-ish thing and saw a bunch of people running and could hear screaming. Then I heard gunshots. I was trying to get into my car with all my stuff. My hands were shaky because it was very close and I was alone in a dark parking lot. I shoved all my stuff in the car, got myself in, was trying to get it started and this line of cars with armed hooligans drove past in slow motion like Boyz N the Hood or something.

I kept thinking to myself I really hope this is a dream. Still unsure even though the dream STARTED with me hoping they didn't find out that I was the one who killed Bruce Willis. (I shoved him off some sort of service elevator in the parking garage earlier. I don't know why. Sorry Bruce.)

I wasn't sure if they were after someone specific or just whoever was in the way. I waited for them to go out of the parking lot and start down the street. They shot at my window but it was a tiny little hole and I didn't have any holes so I continued my escape. I drove out onto the street and turned left, because they turned right and I thought I'd not follow them to their shootout. However, once I got a block away I could see the reflection of dozens of inmate jumpsuits (safety jumpsuits, though) wandering around the street. It was mildly like a zombie horde but they weren't zombies, just people. I wasn't sure if they had escaped, if they guys in the cars had escaped (though they weren't wearing jump suits), or what else was going on. I turned around and took my chances with the other direction and woke up not long after that. I thought to myself somewhere in there that it was like Escape from LA, but Escape from 16th St.

 I'm quite glad I'm out of Colorado and am somewhere with less violence. It seems that I acquired some anxiety about certain things I didn't have before. There has been a time or two here on campus that I've heard the students messing around and getting riled up, hollering at each other or giving each other a hard time. Until I can tell that they're just screwing around, I'm nervous about it. I don't remember a single episode on campus where someone fought or was violent in any way when I was here. (I'm sure it happened, but nothing that I heard about. I think it's more contained to living areas rather than on the main campus.) There's zero reason to think that it's happening.

 Just before I left Boulder I was working at the justice center doing some computer upgrades. I was in the Community Justice Services area. I believe they deal with people who are on parole, sorting out certain family situations, stuff like that. People sometimes aren't happy. Keep in mind, I'm working in an office that at one time was a cell. It has a little sliver of a window (still more than we got in the basement) and the only way out is toward the front. I hear an odd random noise and someone from the front yell for security.

I surveyed my situation quickly and realized, in the event that someone wanted to shoot people in this office the only option I'd have would be to go toward that person. There was no other route.

It was a brief pause and flash of "omg...do I do something?" But then I heard the security people come barreling down the hall and didn't hear anything else so I figured all was well. But it was a similar feeling to what happened in my dream. That anxious moment where you don't know what's going to happen but you know some shit is going down.

 I know things can happen anywhere. Someone could try to blow up Coors Field, someone could shoot me driving down I-25, someone could not like the look of me walking through the park. For most of my life I have never had any significant of fear about these things and generally avoid situations where I'd likely be in any danger. I have more fear now. At work I'd think where I would go if someone came in the building with violent intent. It was unlikely because we were in a secured building full of comfortably employed people who don't sign off on any policies. We only annoyed internally, for the most part. Not many irate citizens are coming after IT and HR.

Some cope with this daily. Some voluntarily, some not so much.

I don't know when this anxiety became part of my life but it's here now and remains even in Hays, KS where I'm unlikely to get shot unless I'm wearing antlers in the trees.

 Side note: I've started watching The Haunting of Hill House so I was anticipating maybe different scary dreams but not that!

Reflecting on Deliverance. Seriously.

The other night auntie and uncle were watching a show about the celebrities who departed in 2018.
Long story short, we decided to watch Deliverance. (RIP Burt.)
I guess I should say there will be spoilers if you've never seen the movie.


At first I was sorta confused because I'd never actually heard anyone say they wanted to watch Deliverance.
I surmised that they didn't know what it was famous/infamous for. It had been years since I watched it and I was curious to watch it with others.

On the surface, it's an outdated movie about a guy trip gone wrong. It's a step away from being classic horror. Many would probably put it in that category but I'm not sure I'm sold on that. It will remain in drama/suspense, for me.

Upon further reflection, like the Grinch at Christmas, it's really about a lot more.
There are 4 men; the macho man, the everyman, the thoughtful man, and the softie city guy.
There is a trip; off to the woods for some male bonding and adventure. There is danger and action involved in their activities, but is still all in good fun. (For a little while.)
There are layered relationships; it's hard to tell why they're friends; they question it, even. Some get along better than others. The relationships are balancing and relatively realistic.
There is an unknown element in the hillbillies in the beginning.
The banjo boy tells you so much about his character without speaking a word. It's not a wordy film in general but you don't miss out on any details. 

It sounds ridiculous even as the one writing it but the film has an ideal premise, arc, and pace. These are all the ingredients that you need to put together correctly for it to come out nice. If you muddle them up too much you get a mess.

I looked up a good representation of the ideal film, and came across this.

From here: http://www.movieoutline.com/articles/the-five-key-turning-points-of-all-successful-movie-scripts.html

As much as part of me would like to take this apart in a scientific manner and fill in this structure from the movie, I'm not going to because I don't have that kind of mental capacity right now. 
But, if you're familiar with the movie, you can see how it would fit in there. 

This movie came out in 1972 and a main plot point is one of the men being raped.
Like, that's not something they were doing. (Nor are they now, for that matter.) This was kind of a big deal.
There was a moral crisis when they killed the attacker, there was a physical crisis when they almost died on the river, there was a survival crisis when they were fighting to stay alive in multiple ways.
They kind of gloss over the fact that their buddy was violated because they have to work so hard to simply stay alive.

They don't have to figure out how to emotionally support their friend like you would see in a film with females. I feel like the real world is reflected in this, in that a group of males would likely take a life or death situation following the rape of one of their friends over navigating the mental and emotional repercussions of the event. (I'm generalizing. I can't pick apart the entirety of the male psyche in one blog.)
I mean, they all need therapy, but they did what they needed to do to get out of the disaster they were in. They dusted him off, slapped him on the back, and got out of there.

There are still very few films that even have any mention of male rape. The water coolers must have been humming after it came out. OR they were silent. I don't know. I didn't exist yet. I've never seen anything about how the movie was received by the general public at the time.
It won awards, but those aren't representative of what people actually thought about it.

Aside from that, there are all but no special effects. Because there were none, by current standards.
They made a movie about rafting down a river and had to just film the whole damn thing.
Do you know how hard that is?? I don't, but I bet it's hard as hell!
They always say don't make a movie with water or children.

I have a hard time taking a stable selfie sometimes. Let alone anything in a canoe.

Some IMDB knowledge:

• Burt broke his tailbone when filming the scene where the canoe capsized.
• To save money, the production wasn't insured. John Voight actually climbed the cliff so they didn't have to pay stunt doubles.
• Ned Beatty got thrown out of the boat and almost drowned. An assistant jumped in to save him. 
• The toothless hillbilly, is exactly that. He's illiterate and has a stutter. Burt had worked with him in a wild west show. They also used locals as the hill people to save money. 

So, I guess my point here is: we know Deliverance for the emergence of Burt Reynolds, "Dueling Banjos," and the plethora of jokes and common references, but I don't think it's taken very seriously as a movie. Next time you sit down and watch Deliverance, cause who doesn't do that every once in a while, think about how risky it must have been at the time; think about how almost nobody has made anything similar since then; think about how much they did without all the tools and tricks they have now.
A lot of thought and effort when into making that piece of work and it deserves some appreciation.
(As, I'm sure, does the book. I've never read it and can say nothing about the adaptation from that perspective.)

Zoltar Speaks

During our time in Asheville we wandered the downtown area.
We saw a Zoltar machine through the window of a candy shop that was closed at the time.
We went back later with Elan, when the store was open, and got our fortunes from Zoltar.
We took a video of it but I'll have to wade through Jason's phone for that.
I do have my paper fortune though.
It says, "YOUR WISH IS GRANTED!" Sweet! But, what was the wish?

When Zoltar gave me this fortune I thought, "You know what Zoltar, you're right!"







I frequently long for breakfast made by our dear Elan. It's his own doing. He started it by making me eggs benedict and there's been no turning back.
That morning I had eaten a wonderful breakfast made by Elan.










I don't know Bull Durham well enough to quote it by heart but I know it well enough that every summer my inner Annie Savoy dreams about watching a little ball game on a warm southern evening.

Days before Zoltar we had gone to an Asheville Tourists game with our friends and had a damn good time. I didn't even make the Asheville/Bull Durham connection until I got there.

We've talked about going on a road trip, or going to visit Asheville or Tennessee for years.
We did them all.
We did lots of things I wished to do.

So, he may not be telling me my future, but he told me my recent events.
My wishes were indeed granted and I didn't even recognize them as wishes until he reminded me.
Thanks Zoltar!