Nothing is simple. We live in the grey.

A few years back I semi-calmly texted my bestie to ask her whereabouts thinking she may have taken a break from work to go watch some of the Boston Marathon. She didn’t. She was on lockdown in her workplace nearby.

About a year and a half ago, I watched the news all day waiting for a name. When I got home I finally heard a dispatch recording say “stay with me, Michelle…” and knew it was what I’d been waiting to hear. I had to tell my now husband that his friend, a woman who had sat on my couch 24 hours before and whose belly he’d touched, had been attacked just up the street from where we lived and her baby was gone.

Weeks ago I sent a message to a friend to check in, knowing that she lives in downtown Orlando but likely (hopefully) wouldn’t have been in direct danger. What I didn’t yet know was that she could see and hear, from her home, the explosions of the police blasting through the walls of the Pulse nightclub.

Less than 2 weeks ago, I saw a friend’s Facebook update saying there was an active shooter in Denver. I assumed it was more 16^th Street Mall hooliganery. I texted my little sis to ask her whereabouts hoping she wasn’t out and about. She said she was outside and safe. I thought to myself “why the hell are you outside…?? How does that make you safe?” She was safer outside because the shooting had happened just above her head inside her office building, where her boyfriend—and also my friend, was sheltering in place wondering if it was the gunman or help at his door.  

Days ago I wrote a friend in Dubai to make sure he was ok and if he was anywhere near the bombings. One was hours away, but the other at the American Consulate was near him.

Days ago I Facebook stalked some people because I figured it highly unlikely they’d be downtown at the time but I wanted to make sure they were safe  at home in Dallas.

My point being all kinds of things…

If you think you are immune to these things, I hope that one day you are not proven wrong. I don’t even have that many friends and this is only a partial list.

None of these people mentioned are black or “blue.” Shit happens everywhere. This is what lies behind MANY expressions of #AllLivesMatter. Give people a break and talk to them (without being a condescending asshole) about why #BlackLivesMatters is important NOW and that it’s not the opposite of their sentiment. It wouldn’t hurt to talk about #LatinoLivesMatter, #NativeLivesMatter, and other equality movements while you’re at it. If you can’t see how it’s divisive, even though you understand the meaning support it, then you’re only half helpful.

It’s not always a gun issue or a race issue. Compounding on those when they ARE part of the issue is also religion, nationalism, mental health, poverty, drugs in many forms, & desperation of all sorts.

These things have happened before. There have been riots and protests. There have been bombings galore. Innocent people have been shot, guilty cops have been unpunished, guilty criminals have been unpunished, innocent cops have been shot. We cannot have a standard response on any side. Think about what you would do in any of their shoes whatever side you or they may be on.

Educate yourself to determine your position and don’t be swayed by mob mentality and peer pressure to use the correct hashtag. Have conversations with people about what actually happened, not about what the internet says happened. Read reliable news, not gossipy playground news.

We cannot instantly condemn someone based on their race, ethnicity, religion, or profession. Period. Any child could explain this. A black man killed by a white cop does not mean that one is guilty and one is innocent. I’m pretty sure this is why we have a judicial system.

You cannot assume that the judicial system we have in place is flawless and unbiased. You can hope but that doesn’t actually make one bit of difference. Oversight is necessary. They serve US. WE are their oversight committee. But we are not their judge unless we have all the information. If you see something, say something. If you didn’t see something, maybe say less.

In this country, when a mother wakes up in the morning thinking “I sure hope today isn’t the day my child gets a bullet…” Who is this person?
It is likely the mother of a young male with brown skin or it is the mother of a cop or a soldier of any color. Apparently, you can also add to the list: an average citizen of Chicago.

If you’re not black and you want to know the perspective of a black person, ask them.

If you’re not white and you want to know the perspective of a white person, ask them.

If you’re a civilian and you want to know the perspective of a cop, ask them.

If you’re straight and you want to know the perspective of someone who isn’t, ask them.

You cannot assign perspective based on another assigned label.

Want to know about Islam, ask a Muslim. Don’t ask a terrorist.

Want to know about the struggles poor people face, ask them.  Don’t ask a politician.

Want to know how mental health and addiction affect families and communities, ask those who suffer.

Want to know why someone is pro or anti-gun, ask them.

Want your representatives to make a difference, talk to them.

Want to know how to start to solve issues of race and violence? See above.  

Try not to tell people how they must react to what we are dealing with in this country. They are not you. They have different struggles, they are from different places; you don’t know what they deal with.
People can be VERY passionate about racial equality and ending racially biased police violence and not feel comfortable protesting. You can’t demand they do what you do to show support.  

Instead of “White/black/Latino/straight/gay/rich/poor people must do this to be supportive!” Maybe ask a PERSON what you can do for them. I mean, if you know a black republican gun owner (yes they exist) who faces racism they may have a different response than a Latino gay male who faces racism. Also, they’re different people so…just talk to them. Talk to your community organizers about how to engage and promote change and maybe make sure they actually represent the community you’re talking about.

In all things, honesty helps.
For example: If you’re in a heavily Caucasian community but you feel drawn to support a black community, then go to them. They aren’t going to come to you. Look for a church, look for a student group, say to them…I’m not in this community, I’m not sure how to support you, what can I do?

If you’re drawn to support the LGBT community, go ahead and change your profile picture to rainbows, it doesn’t matter where you start and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. Find a local PFLAG chapter or Pride organizers and volunteer for an event.

If all you feel you can do is to not be an asshole and encourage others to not be assholes, do it.