Some friends are fun friends. Best friends are far friends. Fast friends are short friends. It just happens.
The people we think we'll be friends with we're not always. We think "oh, this is totally my new homie!" And then you figure out that you're not very important. It's usually pretty easy to tell. I find a common thing that happens is that I'm not refined enough, fun enough, rich enough, or it's just a matter of different expectations.
I'm not a fun time friend. I'm not around just to party with people. If someone is a friend only when I do party, then they're going to be sorely disappointed.
I don't go to the bars and get hammered, I don't go to the wine bar and get philosophical. I'd rather get fried pickles and talk about movies. This used to be a real event when I lived somewhere else. And you know what? People showed up. Every time. Because we enjoyed each other's company. We didn't have an agenda, we didn't have other plans to get to, we didn't need to know the right people. We just hung out. We were a little family.
I used to spend time with family. I'm not entirely sure what happened. I remember when I considered my family to be FAMILY. Now I mostly consider them relatives. This is what stopped me from spending more time with them before my grandma was gone. Not something I'm happy about.
I definitely feel orphaned in a mild sense of the word. I don't have family like I used to.
I have a new family now, that I'm going to marry in to, and I'm far more a part of that than I am of my original families. (It's not a single unit. There's too many sides.)
There's a HUGE distance between me and everyone I'm related to, with a few exceptions. I'll sometimes feel the love but usually it's just tolerance. Sometimes I feel like I should make a clean break of it all. But would it even matter? Nah, it would just be easier to have closure or something.
After my grandma was gone I thought, for a short time, that MAYBE we'd remain as close as we were at that time. There's that time afterward where you try to support everybody. That's long gone though. Nobody really needs it anymore. Not the same way they did.
On the other side of the family I thought I might have made a little progress on actually being included in the family in general. I don't know why I thought that. It's rarely been true. I have to force myself in to most things there. I realized I'm just not welcome in certain situations. Effort is made for the sake of obligation, being my father's only child and all. But I don't really count. I'm extra. I'm "oh yeah....her." Dad and I get along just fine and it seems we'll have a lot of awesome baseball to talk about this summer.
Man, I used to get so excited for holidays and summers and seeing people. Is it just a part of growing up? It's not for everybody. I see people post pictures of fun times with their families. Dinners, games, outings. People are proud of their siblings; they make time for each other. I only have step-siblings so we're not really in to what the others are doing. Though funnily enough, we have known each other since we were very small. It didn't really make a difference since I didn't know who they were until I saw a picture of us together as wee people.
So, basically, we're all separate units. It's not the way it ought to be but it's the way it has to be.
I feel like once I'm a grown up I can leave it all behind. Not sure when THAT is supposed to happen... I'm a late bloomer. But there are still people who care even though we don't see each other often. I won't abandon those for the sake of the rest.
Does this all stem from creating a wedding guest list? Largely. Jesus. Why isn't there a solution!?
The people we think we'll be friends with we're not always. We think "oh, this is totally my new homie!" And then you figure out that you're not very important. It's usually pretty easy to tell. I find a common thing that happens is that I'm not refined enough, fun enough, rich enough, or it's just a matter of different expectations.
I'm not a fun time friend. I'm not around just to party with people. If someone is a friend only when I do party, then they're going to be sorely disappointed.
I don't go to the bars and get hammered, I don't go to the wine bar and get philosophical. I'd rather get fried pickles and talk about movies. This used to be a real event when I lived somewhere else. And you know what? People showed up. Every time. Because we enjoyed each other's company. We didn't have an agenda, we didn't have other plans to get to, we didn't need to know the right people. We just hung out. We were a little family.
I used to spend time with family. I'm not entirely sure what happened. I remember when I considered my family to be FAMILY. Now I mostly consider them relatives. This is what stopped me from spending more time with them before my grandma was gone. Not something I'm happy about.
I definitely feel orphaned in a mild sense of the word. I don't have family like I used to.
I have a new family now, that I'm going to marry in to, and I'm far more a part of that than I am of my original families. (It's not a single unit. There's too many sides.)
There's a HUGE distance between me and everyone I'm related to, with a few exceptions. I'll sometimes feel the love but usually it's just tolerance. Sometimes I feel like I should make a clean break of it all. But would it even matter? Nah, it would just be easier to have closure or something.
After my grandma was gone I thought, for a short time, that MAYBE we'd remain as close as we were at that time. There's that time afterward where you try to support everybody. That's long gone though. Nobody really needs it anymore. Not the same way they did.
On the other side of the family I thought I might have made a little progress on actually being included in the family in general. I don't know why I thought that. It's rarely been true. I have to force myself in to most things there. I realized I'm just not welcome in certain situations. Effort is made for the sake of obligation, being my father's only child and all. But I don't really count. I'm extra. I'm "oh yeah....her." Dad and I get along just fine and it seems we'll have a lot of awesome baseball to talk about this summer.
Man, I used to get so excited for holidays and summers and seeing people. Is it just a part of growing up? It's not for everybody. I see people post pictures of fun times with their families. Dinners, games, outings. People are proud of their siblings; they make time for each other. I only have step-siblings so we're not really in to what the others are doing. Though funnily enough, we have known each other since we were very small. It didn't really make a difference since I didn't know who they were until I saw a picture of us together as wee people.
So, basically, we're all separate units. It's not the way it ought to be but it's the way it has to be.
I feel like once I'm a grown up I can leave it all behind. Not sure when THAT is supposed to happen... I'm a late bloomer. But there are still people who care even though we don't see each other often. I won't abandon those for the sake of the rest.
Does this all stem from creating a wedding guest list? Largely. Jesus. Why isn't there a solution!?
2 comments:
This makes me a little sad. My family has accepted you as a friend. I love you and want you to know you can always count on me as a friend and lover. Always your loyal Dragon forever.
I know I can count on you. Love you <3
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