2023: A Year for Love?

Something that was very present for me this year was the realization and understanding that I've had FAR more invisible barriers for my entire life than I ever considered possible. What I'm still working on is giving myself some god damn grace for it, as I would for anyone else. 

Along with my interactions with the world, learning more about myself, coming to understand bigger things better, I've made the discovery that LOVE is an intentional act. I'm talking about romantic, platonic, shallow, rooted, short-lived, eternal, all of it. I believe there are so many kinds of love that we collectively dismiss because it's not what Valentine's Day commercials show. 

If you're not actively loving, you're not quite there yet. And that's ok. I didn't realize it until I did. You can love in whatever way you want, but if you're giving it with no reservations, then I applaud you. And I don't mean, like, the "good vibes" or "thoughts and prayers" kind of love. That's care and kindness, which is lovely, but there's something more to it that I can't quite put into words. Maybe some day I'll be able to. The actions are the same, really, but there is something internal that needs to click for it to be genuine. I suppose it's simply the intention. If it's a habit then is it still intentional? I dunno. Maybe for some. Maybe over time it's the same? 

The world needs more kindness, which has to be rooted in love. Where else would it come from? Capitalism? No. That's cruel, inherently, by design. Individualism? That's what makes us all amazing, but love is collective. If we're not creating a system in which people are able to feel loved, then we're failing. Not only should we be able to survive, we should be able to thrive around barriers. We all know this, but we can't enact it without the puppeteers working on a large scale. Any of us can do one thing at a time, though, right?  

Don't get me wrong, not everyone earns or deserves your active love. But everyone deserves love. Everyone. The worst festering human turd on the planet deserves love. They're only a walking turd because they don't have love in the first place. That doesn't mean it has to come from you. Or me. Or anyone we know. The person to love that turd might not even know they exist, but maybe some day they will fall upon something resembling what they should have had before their turd status fully bloomed. Do not sacrifice yourself for love. Love and trust are the not the same. It's given freely, accepted by those who know it's value, and that's the end of it. Maybe it encourages others to decide to be active in love as well, but that choice is upon them. 

All the love in the world can't fix something that's broken, but it can perhaps give space for the tools that can fix things to find their way to the right places. Maybe love can smooth a road for someone. Maybe love can soften a hard landing. Maybe love can offer a realization. The fun and/or horrific part is that we have no idea how it'll go until it's already out there. We can't hold on to the outcome. It's up to us to give it, like releasing a balloon (please never release balloons, it kills animals) and never knowing where it'll land. 

So, what am I saying? A bunch of stuff that's very complex whittled down to a few words minutes away from a new year. There are a million different kinds of love and you choose which ones are the most important for you. Make it an action, especially if it involves living things, and release the need for reciprocity. That's what makes it joyful. I'm not saying you should give effort to those who dismiss or devalue you. Nope. That's giving them energy, that's different. Love can use energy but it's like a spout in Wonka's factory--a million dials for all manner of things. Some you always leave on, some you never use, some you're still not sure what to do with. Maybe you even need more, maybe you need to retire some. 

All I know for sure is that sometimes I feel like a real life Care Bear and if I can't burst into a rainbow, I don't even know what. It applies to people I love and care for regularly, it applies to people who have been awful to me, it applies to people living in the worse kind of fear imaginable, it applies to people living in the luxury only unethical wealth can provide, it applies to baby kitties on the internet. (It doesn't even mean I always LIKE them.) I want to shoot it out of my glowing tummy in all directions and hope beyond hope that it'll get where I want it to. It often won't. That's ok. I know it's out there. It's not wasted, I have more. You can have some. 

I wish I had better words to explain how I'm developing these thoughts but it's a work in progress, and I'm hoping to learn more so that I can speak on it with less chaos. Chaos Bear. 

I didn't watch it this holiday season but...to quote a movie that gets at some of what I'm saying; yes, even with all it's now problematic moments: 

'Love, actually, is all around." 

I hope you find all you need in 2024. 

Musical Flavor #489, 488, 487, & 486. This one's a rough set. Blah.

 #489: Phil Spector and Various Artists, 'Back to Mono (1958-1969)'

I didn't opt to listen to this one again, even though it had been a while since I listened. It has good songs--great songs, actually. I just wasn't in a Phil Spector mood. (If you're confused, go look it up.)

 

#488: The Stooges, 'The Stooges'

It's alright. Not really my thing, but it was decent enough working music. 

#487: Black Flag, 'Damaged'

I get it, I really do. It's just not my thing. I couldn't finish it. It is NOT good working music unless I was working pulling weeds or something. I'm glad I gave it a try. It has it's place. 

#486: John Mayer, 'Continuum'

Ok. Almost half of this is "hmm...this is nice." The other more-than-half is "OMG THIS IS SO BOORRRIIIINNNNGG." So, whatever you want to do with that. I do not care for this man's voice about 95% of the time. It's like an over cooked noodle. His talent as a musician is fine but, listening to it as something other than background music is nearly enough to put me to sleep. WAKE UP, JOHN. 

Musical Flavor #492, 491, & 490. So I don't lose my place!

 #492: Bonnie Raitt, In the Nick of Time. 

This one deserves it's own post. It's awesome. I think Too Soon to Tell is my favorite song. 

She's underrated outside of her genre, for sure. Of all the albums I've listened to so far, this is the one that got set to repeat the most. 

#491: Harry Styles, Fine Line

I'll fully admit I didn't previously give Harry any time. He's quite nice. The majority of his songs I've heard kinda sound the same but at least it's a same that it's too bad. I kinda get it now. 

Watermelon Sugar is a great summer song. I don't care. 

#490: Linda Ronstadt, Heart Like a Wheel

The standards on here are great, but the rest doesn't really do it for me. You're No Good, obviously, is a classic. No question. I'm striking out on the 70s in general--the artists aren't to blame, it's me. 

FREE HUGS

Do you know what touch deprivation is? It's also called touch starvation, which I think is weird and overly dramatic but it's often used. 

Touch deprivation was a topic when we were more in the midst of isolation, but it's always around. There are many people who don't care for much physical touch out and about in the world and actively avoid it, but there are also people who just have more solitary lives for any number of reasons. It's a human thing. (I imagine it's probably an animal thing, in general, but my point is that we're all naturally effected.)  

When we were most distanced we missed out on hugging loved ones, that one is obvious, but there are also other things like a pat on the shoulder, handshakes, high fives, whatever. I'd imagine teachers who work with young children would have noticed it somewhat, since they're prone to more pats and pokes and whatnot. 

Whether it's on purpose or for safety sake, touch deprivation can have negative effects on anyone. I may be the most socially touchy person within hundreds of miles--we're not always super into affectionate things here in the midwest. When we had to be isolated it was definitely noticeable, but it's still a factor. 

I'm not a scientist but here is my hypothesis and assumptions. Because I was severely touch deprived for my first many weeks of life, I believe I'm more sensitive to it. I didn't realize it when I was younger, but I don't know if that's because I didn't think of it or know of it, or if it has changed as I've gotten older. I also had more family contact as a kid. I saw grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins more. I obviously lived with a parent, I was around more young people, and I think you typically get more kinds of affection and physical touch just playing as a child than as an adult. 

I think with my predisposition to it, plus pandemic, it's extremely noticeable now. I don't know if it will decrease as we get more "back to normal" or if I'm just stuck with it now. Who knows. 

The effects of touch deprivation are increased stress, anxiety, depression, higher blood pressure and heart rate, muscle tension, and a less robust immune system...among others. I kinda already have all that floating around but pandemic times did not help. I'm 100% certain it's part of why my blood pressure has increased, as well as general anxiety. Like, there's been a LOT of other contributing factors for increased stress and there was a confluence of wackadoo things all around the same time but this is one of them. I think also I have some lingering Covid things that are just pissing me off and it's all a bundle of annoyance. 

It's quite an unpleasant and maybe indescribable sensation. I've read many things about it describing the effects it has, but never what it FEELS like. I want to say my skin hurts? Though I can't say it's truly painful... It's almost like constant feeling the texture of your skin is changing, like your changing into something else...some other substance that's not human skin. Ya know?? Wut? 

Part of why I have been pondering it more lately is because on my spring break trip I got soooo many extra hugs. My body was so grateful to be out of that desert and into the hug oasis. I got bear hugs, tall hugs, mom hugs, kids hugs, skinny hugs, fluffy hugs, all the hugs. I get hugs at home too, of course, but not to that level. I don't think my cats count since it's just rage hugs with them. So angry but so fluffy and cute. Pets do help, if they're occasionally snuggly. 

Only mildly related to this is that I sure miss my grandma's hugs. (Grandma Jessie. The Johnson's aren't robust huggers, myself excluded.) Do people have signature hugs? I think so. It's hard to find another like one you're so familiar with. You have to be approximately the same size and shape, with the same level of huggyness. Then there's the smell of the person, the level of joy for the hug, what else? That's a whole different tangent. 

So, what's my point? I dunno. It was just in my brain and I needed to make room because it's too full in there. My bonus point is- hug people when you can. Hold hands. Sit close. Sniff your friends. Whatever. It's for their health. 

Supplemental Log: (Because I got impatient and forgot a thing, and I also had a shower realization.)

1) Men are more prone to touch "starvation" than women. I assume that's because they are typically less affectionate but also women are typically doing more of the family caregiving, which would result in more physical contact. On the flip side, I figure this is also what contributes to women being more prone to being touched out. No mas. Leave mama alone. Ask them, they'll tell you. 

Moral of that: Toxic masculinity is killing you. Do better fathers, for your children.

Shower realization: The last time I had a very specific bout of this was when I moved away from Hays. I left all of my friends and two little bity boys who utilized Taffy like a piece of playground equipment. 

A Day in the Life of an Honorable Admin

Now that I've made it to the evening I kinda forgot today was all one day. 

First, I got up and ready at a normal adult time so that I could have a nice thank you breakfast with the Provost for our work on the recent student recognition programs. (I will get up and adult for breakfast. Now you know the secret.) Kevin and a couple other faculty folk were there and we had a really nice, real-talk conversation about student programs, enrollment, Kansas issues, and all kinds of things. Plus, we got to poke fun at Kevin for his big professor words. This is pretty common. It's out of love. It's rare, however, to get so much nearly one-on-one time with the Provost, so that was a treat. She's ultra busy and overloaded but she really cares about what is going on. 

Then we had a couple student visits that went a bit longer than admissions probably would have liked. Sorrynotsorry. 

Then we hosted a group of Foundation board members and staff in Tiger Village, where my nuggets live. For those who don't know, Foundation = People Who Direct the Donor Money. So, it's important. This was our first opportunity since I've been here to talk to them directly about why the HC is awesome and what we'd like to see in our future. (Scholarship funds and more positions/salary, pleeeeeease.) We had 5 amazing students attend to give their thoughts. They're so good at speaking about their experience and what they want for themselves and others, they're so excited and passionate about what they're doing and what we're doing, they're grateful and generously complimentary of our support, and they're really proud to be part of our campus. It's a joy to hear that what we're doing makes such a difference for them. They are why we're here though. They make this place what it is. 

The fact that our brilliant students are willing and able to articulate the value of our school and our program, and us as faculty and staff, will do more than they know to help their fellow Tigers down the road. Their words were heard. 

Kevin and I were given a lot of (well earned) credit for the current overwhelming* successes, by our Vice President of Student Affairs, Joey. He made it known to everyone there that we're doing the work that needs doing. He asked how many recognition programs we attended (I think it's all but one), because he knows we were at all of them. He said our efforts are recognized. We often have our doubts in the often icky climate that is higher ed, so it can be a little bit exceptional to get straight up recognition. One of Joey's laments, which I've heard a couple times since I've also taken a class with him, is that the further he advanced in his career the less student contact he has. He spent some time afterward talking to our students about the value they can bring in speaking to prospective students.

On the third or fourth time he said "one more thing, then I'm leaving..." he said "today filled my heart with joy" to hear from such committed students. The man LOVES his Tigers, and we love him for it. He genuinely is the cheerleader for everything FHSU. I'm so glad that he was able to experience what we get to see all the time. 

After all of that, I went to a little social function with some of my HESA classmates. I got to meet some people I'd only seen in a signature line, so that was kind of nice. 

Now I'm exhausted but I wanted to write this out because it was a really rewarding day, overall, in the midst of an otherwise really bleak week. I didn't get a lot done, but at the same time it was more productive than a day where my inbox looks nice. You need some of both. 

*I mean literally overwhelming. Our incoming class for fall 2022 is....approximately GINORMOUS. I'm legitimately unsure how we're going to work out some of the usual things we do because there's still only two of us. We have to do the same job we've done with an average of 17 freshman students with over 40 freshman students, plus non-freshmen. Plus, you know, I'll be in two graduate classes at the same time. I think I'm even going to forego a reminder email for our application deadline. They've met the challenge. We have more than we can handle, but we're going to make it work. FHSU is a very "we'll make it work" sort of place. They need to get it together and pay people but...that's a different post. I am rich in nice feelings, if not in pay. 

Fat women deserve larger font.

 I shared this on Facebook. The place where nobody cares five minutes later. So I'm adding it here too. 

Instead of a highly paid plus model to make the point, maybe an underpaid doer-of-everything is more relevant. 

Anyway. 

Since I'm in a PSA mood today, I'll go ahead and give you a few more. This is a two for one. 

1) Fat women are awesome. Not just when we're the right kind of fat, not just when we have big titties--which aren't there for you unless gifted to your face, not just when we have fat girl personality, not just anything. We just ARE. If you don't care for fat women, that's a you problem, not an us problem. If you're smaller, then you're just smaller. You're not better, you're not stronger, you're not smarter, you're not more worthy, and you're not healthier. If you care that you're smaller...well then you're definitely sMalLEr. We're not all sad that we're fat and you aren't. If you're sad about you, I'm sorry. Don't be. It's ok if we intimidate you, we're used to it.  

2) This also applies to men because equality, equity, and feminism is also 👏 here 👏 for 👏 men. 2a) and any fucking level of any fucking gender or sexuality that exists because you're valid and it doesn't matter what norms you have to break to be you. BREAK THEM ALL.

I'm gonna need ya'll to be aggressively hot. You will always and forever be not good enough for someone, somehow. 

So be extra anyway, just because you can.  

Musical Flavor #493, Marvin Gaye, 'Here, My Dear' (1978)

  #493- Greatest Albums of All Time

Everyone knows Marvin Gaye songs. "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" was a favorite as a kid--thanks California Raisins! "What's Going On" is still too relevant and, of course, "Let's Get It On" & "Sexual Healing" will live forever. But I don't know a LOT of Marvin Gaye songs and I didn't know much about him as a person. 

This particular album is interesting here on the 500 because it didn't do well. After his marriage failed he wrote this hoping that it would fund his alimony. He owed millions in taxes at the time and his addiction to cocaine was...not going well.  

Interesting side note: his marriage may have failed, in part, due to the fact that he had a child with his wife's very underage niece. #Problematic! The girl was also the niece of Motown founder Barry Gordy. Marvin's wife, who was unable to get pregnant, adopted the child and he was named Marvin III.

I also did not know that Marvin was killed by his own father (a minister), who had abused Marvin for his whole life. His father was given a reduced charge due to the discovery of a brain tumor. Dr. Dre is said to be working on a biopic that will come out in 2023. It'll be quite a story. 

The best (non-tragic) thing I learned in doing some research was that he was greatly influenced by Frank Sinatra. 

What a brutal life. Yet, a voice so sweet. 

Would I listen again? Meh...this album is not music I enjoy actively listening to. It was great background music for reading about his life but I wouldn't be likely to put it on for fun. 

I don't dig it so much, but it's been fascinating. I suspect I'd enjoy the words in their poetic form more so than as songs. He was going THROUGH some things. 

I did dig most of the 8 minutes of "A Funky Space Reincarnation", that one I'd listen to on purpose. 

Musical Flavor #494, The Ronettes, 'Presenting the Fabulous Ronettes' (1964)

 #494- Greatest Albums of All Time

This is the definition of oldies pop. I don't know what makes it stand out against the maaaany other similar albums and groups of the time, but it gets the job done if you're in the mood for a milkshake at the bar wearing your pointy bra. You'll recognize many of the songs unless you're simply too young or have voluntarily lived under a rock. 

Chapel of Love is simply iconic.

{I have thoughts about how Ronnie's multiracial family influenced her musical talents, while her melatonin was subdued enough to soothe white listeners and how a lot of "oldies" were coopted Black music made palatable for white people. But that's like a whole different blog.}

Veronica, aka "Ronnie", just died a couple weeks ago. If it wasn't due to her relationship with her producer, Phil Specter (who regularly threatened to kill her, squashed her career, and once "surprised" her with twin children for Christmas...wtf) she would have probably done a lot more really amazing things. But she did a lot with what she had and she influenced generations. 

Would I listen again? Of course. 

I dig it. 

Rest in peace and power, Ronnie.