Enough horrificness already.

Longmont isn't perfect but it's usually not completely insane either.
Multiple stabbings in one day is a bit ridiculous. It wasn't kids, it wasn't a drunken brawl, it wasn't the regular nonsense that goes on outside the bars on Main St.
The 2 people behind this crap both are unquestionably mentally ill. I can tell you from very close experience that the mental health people in this county have their hands full. They definitely failed a lot of people this week. It's the system at fault, not the people.
Event #1 was a situation in which a parent was not able to see his child because of protective orders and whatnot. He flipped out and attempted to kill both his parents and himself. He succeeded on 2 counts but his mother is supposed to make it. It seems like some checking in might be in order when someone is already unstable and you then take away their child. A little talking to might have given him time to calm down and he, and his father, might still be alive.
Event #2 is even worse. A woman went to a home to look at baby clothes that were advertised on Craigslist. She was beaten, stabbed, and the 7-months-along baby was removed from her body. The attacker then went to the ER with the baby claiming she had a miscarriage. Not normal by any definition. If there was a disagreement or argument or something to cause some violence then...it's not completely unthinkable that someone could get hurt. Maybe even stabbed. But you have to be a real piece of work to lure a pregnant woman to your home, attack her, and take her baby out of her. That's some movie kind of shit. Then to claim it's your own baby? Something is broken within this person. I read that she did lose a child at some point so I'd kind of assume she's never recovered from that. How is someone so unbalanced making it through life with nobody noticing something is wrong? How is this her option? Not to promote kidnapping or something but if she was trying to sort of "replace" her lost child then there are less violent things that would come to mind even for someone who isn't quite right. I don't even know. This all happened just up the street from where we live.

My brain usually processes awful things quite well, but I just don't get it this time. I left work a little early today because I just wanted to come home to familiar insanity. On the way back the traffic was backed up and I figured it was from the train or something but then I saw all the lights, heard all the sirens, and drove right by the mangled remains of a minivan. It looked like it had been dragged down the road on it's side. All the windows were broken out, all the contents of the van were strewn all over the road, and it was hard to even tell how many cars were involved because things were so suddenly hectic. It looked like they may have veered off the road so maybe it was just the one car involved and the others had just stopped to help. But....that pretty much solidified my desire to sit in the bathtub and cry with an ice cream cone. I got the cone but I haven't sat in the tub yet so I guess I must feel better now that I'm home. Kinda.

Celebration Metaphysical Fair

Jason and I met up with a friend and went to the Metaphysical Fair in Denver today.
I've been twice before but there's always something to see there. It's worth a few bucks just for the people watching. I'll sometimes buy some stones or cards or a trinket of some sort but I don't really NEED most of what's there. It's mostly a lot of pretty.
Last year I bought a little bottle of Muscle Regeneration oil from Ravenscroft Escentials. We went to her talk about oils and aromatherapy and it was delicious. I would snort this oil if I could. It smells heavenly. I sniff it just as often as I actually use it on my body. I wish it came in bathtub size. I'd buy more but I just can't afford $50+ for a little bottle of niceness. If I could afford that I'd do some kind of amazing drug or something. Anyway, it's awesome and if you're in to that sort of thing I definitely recommend her oils.

The first time I went was in 2013 with Jason, his mom, and his brother. We went to a guided meditation thing about finding a spirit guide. I think. That's what it ended up being even if that's not what was intended. The short version of that story is that I ended up in a city from Star Trek and discovered that my cat was my spirit guide. Conveniently, she could also talk. My mum has taken my USB drive hostage or I'd post a picture but I'll post one when I get it back cause that was a super cute kitty I had. Thomasina the little orange kitty.

Today, in the same exact room, we went to see the super and sassy Sherry Shone talk about accessing messages. She talked about getting information about yourself....from yourself. I know. Seems like people would have thought of this already but for some reason we don't. She talked a bit about tarot, visualization, and finding and using your portal. We talked about what our portals would look like. Jason said his was a sewer opening like in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; I said I imagined it more as a den opening. (Dragon's den, to be exact. Duh.) Our friend Neil I imagined as having a more rustic, and less whimsical, version of a hobbit hole. For myself, I mostly envisioned sparklyness. Like a stagate of otherwordly glitter. For a moment I saw a beaded curtain but then I upgraded I guess. I can't remember what Jason thought of for me. He'll have to comment if he remembers.
After we have a portal in mind, Sherry guides us to the portal. I closed my eyes and listened. She mentioned a path. I saw a forested area with a little path leading to an opening. It wasn't quite right but it worked for a start. Then she said "runway" and I immediately was moved right smack in the middle of an open and mostly empty airport runway. That was definitely not right.
I flipped through a few more mental flashes and finally settled on the right channel. Then I realized it was absolutely the Yellow Brick Road.
Not a big shock if you know me, but not what I would have predicted, I suppose. There was still some forest around but it was more open then in the beginning. I walked toward the shimery glitter portal and I couldn't help but be reminded of Glinda's dress.

We opened up our eyes and came back to the non-portal world. When we returned again, we imagined a "rope" to anchor on this side of the portal in case we need it to guide us back. It's whatever grounds us on this side, I guess you could say, so you don't get lost in the portal realm.
I have a pretty clear image of the "rope" but I can't think of where it's from. It's like a translucent shimmering rope. It was attached on one side like a little harness and leash to Thomasina, my guiding orange kitty, and the other end was attached to me. So when I needed to return I'd have my kitty to lead me back. It's fitting that she'd come with me on the path. I also saw my little orange doggy but she was just there as my little love, not as my guide.

I thought it was interesting that my kitty appeared again but it makes perfect sense. She was there before, so certainly she should be there again.
After all this, we looked at the tarot cards she had given us. One was quite clear, and the other took a little longer to figure out.

The first one, on the right, seemed to obviously be about my almost entirely unsatisfying work. That chick doesn't look overly enthused in her work. The one on the left I didn't know what to make of until later. What I took from it (after realizing the girl in the picture had my hair, which had been a topic earlier in the day) was that I needed to be more free. I mean, she's floating around grabbing stars with some neat sky horses while the other one is weaving something that makes her make that face.
So...not sure how I DO that but....there's the message I accessed! One step at a time...

Aside from the nice smelling essential oils class last year, I think this one was my favorite! Had I not been to the first one to find my kitty guide this one might not have been the same; but since I already love Sherry, this one wins anyway.
If you're interested in tarot or any of the other things Sherry can do, you should totally check it out here: http://sherryshone.wix.com/aboutme

Oh! She also mind controlled us to start clapping for no reason. Well done. xoxo

Something I keep forgetting to ponder.

When Jason and I were trying to figure out where we were going to live we were looking at any and all options. We weren't sure if we were going to be able to stay together or if we'd have to live in 2 different places. The tip of the shitberg but it's not all relevant at the moment.
While searching I thought I'd get in touch with the St. Vrain Safe Shelter to see if they could give me any information on housing, temporary housing, programs or people who helped people in our situation or something.
I wrote a message and clarified in the first sentence that I was NOT in an abusive situation but that I was just looking for some help or information. I realize their purpose is to assist people in abusive situations but it seemed like a resource that might lead to some other information.
They never responded. Not one word. Apparently they aren't concerned if you aren't being abused. Seemed a little lame to me but I guess it doesn't matter now. Not sure I'd count on them to help if someone really needed them though. Maybe they're better at that though. I won't be needing their services. 

Longmont United Hospital CARES about you.

Yeah. Sure.
At the time I visited I had no insurance. I have since gotten insurance that's backdated enough to cover my visit. (Boulder County ~shock~ dropped the ball and didn't pass through my paperwork for ooohhh...10 months or so, even though I'd been approved for medical assistance.)
I called them over a month ago to tell them what my insurance # was so they could apply it to my bill. "We'll get that put through as soon as possible." Apparently a slight exaggeration. They still haven't done that. I sent the business office a message asking them again to correct this. They still haven't done that. I guess I'll try AGAIN and see if they can't put a little number in a system and avoid my stuff getting sent to god damn collections.

THANKS FOR CARING. 

If you could have dinner with one person from history, who would it be?

This is pretty easy for me. Frank Sinatra. And if I could get away with it I'd just say the whole Rat Pack because that would be ideal. I'd love to hang with Dean and Sammy too. (They might actually be move lovely to hang out with because they're more mellow.)
Oh how I'd love to hear Frank's theories on the world and everything. I know he had theories.
He had fairly average beginnings in life and became one of the biggest stars in the world. How does that even happen? I've read books about him and watched the movies and heard the stories and everything. I'd like to see it for myself though.
Plus, I assume we'd have Italian food.
Assuming he could come back to now and know all that's happened since he died I'd want to know- Would he now consider himself a Democrat or a Republican? What would be think of the music industry now? Did he think we'd be a little further along in equality by now? Did he think we'd have flying cars by now? What's his greatest joy & biggest regret? How did he get to be....Frank? He ran the world as if it was his. Pretty sure he thought he always could. And kinda sure he DID until he was gone. Did he think he'd always get his way? Did he know when he was being a demanding man diva or was it just his natural way with no thought put in to it? Did he like being famous? What's his favorite car? Did he cook? Did he prefer acting or singing? Who was his favorite actor/movie? What would he have done differently in life?
From what I understand he was an epic mama's boy so that might explain his attitude. He was wonderful, and probably frequently terrible, and everything in between. I think the general person who knows not so much about Frank Sinatra doesn't realize some of the things he did that might just have had a huge impact on things. (Or some things that almost made the world more interesting.)
He offered to have Woody Allen's legs broken. (Due to the whole marrying his own daughter thing...)
How much did he have to do with Kennedy getting elected? Did he have true mob ties or only superficial?
Some of Frank's shows that included Sammy Davis Jr. were played on stages that had never allowed black performers, or at least not for a "mixed" audience. Frank demanded that Sammy be allowed to perform with him, which may have been the first time some audiences had seen a non-white performer live on stage. I think that had to be a tiny important step in changing views.
I long to know what he was really like as a person and not just as an icon.

February

Well we've been homeless for 9 days. It's gone quite well so far, really.
We crammed 99% of what we own in to storage. We got out of the fire-hazard of an apartment the night we were supposed to. We moved on. So far, so good. We had an option sorted out for a place to stay for a while. Not ideal, but better than sleeping in the car. But that didn't work out so we looked for more options. We didn't have much luck but a friend of a friend asked if there was anything they could do, without really knowing anything of the situation other than a vague statement on Facebook.
I explained the situation a bit and they invited us to their home with no hesitation. Can't stay with family without guilt. Can't stay with friends without inconvenience. But people who have met us twice say "hey, you're welcome here. Come on over!" What a concept!
I'd like to think I'm that kind of a friend...though that scenario has never come up for me to help someone out that much.
The fact that we have kept large amounts of our sanity in tact is because we had somewhere to go where we didn't feel intrusive, like some kind of non-native plant that all the other plants don't trust. Why is it here? What does it want? It's not from here!
It's always a little bit of a pain to not have all YOUR stuff and YOUR conveniences when and where you are accustomed to having them. Sure, first world problems. But we simplified, got everything stuffed in to the car and carried on down highway 287.
Might I mention that we also slept heavenly on their guest bed. Neither of us generally sleep awesome when we're traveling. Back issues, temperature, foreign blankets, noises, stress, pets & sneezes, etc. But here, we slept better than we had at home! Glorious slumber. We thought it might be some kind of fancy mattress that we'd want to investigate and maybe some day save up for. But it's from Walmart. It came folded up in a box. What is this madness!? I'm so glad we left our bed behind. I think it might have been part of the issue with restless nights.
Jason even got along with the dog.
All in all, a mini miracle that made this process so much easier than it would have been. Hope to be able to return the favor one day or pay it forward. Something.
Thankful for kind people who act like people ought to act.

Now things may be looking up. Let's hope January and February was the hurdle of the year and the rest will be a joyful breeze. 

Why is Wild Kingdom playing in my head?

I dreamed about almost getting attacked by a gorilla. I was in their habitat thing at a zoo somewhere. One seemed to be kind of my friend...but the other did not approve. So grumpy gorilla was sitting there staring at me and growling/screaming at me. Like...viciously angry yelling. Just non-stop. I pretty much sat still and hoped someone with a distracting banana or something would wander by and notice my imminent death before he came over and ripped my face off my body.

Next... I was at the Wild Animal Sanctuary with my mommy. We were walking down a dirt path and a wolf thing was standing with it's feet up on the fence. I say "wolf thing" because it was dark pink and it's was about the same height as my mother. It crawled over the fence and started following us. We didn't really have anywhere to go so we just walked close to the fence. There were 2 elk or deer or some critters in front of us that it went after. It knocked them down and ripped the head off one of them with some nice sound effects...
It walked back to it's area carrying the head snack and as it went by it glared at us and said "Filthy..." as if to mock us for thinking it would actually lower itself to eat US. I have no idea why it was entirely pink. (Or why it could talk.)

Dreaming of kitties

In the dream I'm pretty sure I was in Hays. (Limestone churches, anyone?)
I was looking for a place to live...fitting. Can't even get some sleep without looking for a place to live.
I stopped at this yard and saw a screwdriver under a window. It seemed to be that someone was going to try to break in later. So I picked it up and told the family through the window that they should check their windows and stuff. They thanked me and asked if there was anything they could do for me. I said I was looking for a place to live so if they knew of anything to let me know. They said they could help and invited me inside. I walked in to a laundry room thing at first and then through a door into a kitchen. But it wasn't JUST a kitchen. It was crawling with kittens and puppies.
It sounds kind of nice other than it was a realistic kitchen full of animals, not a dream one where nobody poops. Critters EVERYWHERE. On the counter, on the stove, sitting on my feet. Food piles all over the place. Poo all over the place. But they seemed ok with it so I just didn't really move, not that I could have with animals wound around my legs.
Then I looked down and saw a short-hair tabby, and a long-hair tabby. Almost identical to my kitties!! (I don't seem to have any pictures of Thomasina on my computer but here's Stowie with Lola.)

I snuggled them and loved them and they didn't seem to mind as much as they would have really. It was nice. I don't think they found me a place to live and I don't really remember if anything else happened but I got to snuggle kitties so whatever. 

I suspect it may have stemmed from looking at these two yesterday, who are at the Humane Society. 

The kitty is Worf (AWESOME...look at his forehead stripes) and the puppy is Marco. I want them both. 

Blogging while TVing

I think it would just be called "Live Tweeting" on Twitter. But I don't really Twit so, here we are. Enjoy. Or not. I'm doing it anyway.

Scrubbing Bubbles commercial with the dirty puppy in the bathtub: I would also like to keep the puppy. But you expect me to believe someone with a bathroom the size of my living room actually cleans their own bathroom??

Don't Fear the Reaper!

I wonder if the squirrels will like not good corn bread bits.

I believe the neighbor hooligans are home. There's stomping. I don't know what they can be doing down there but there's bound to be some bouncing around when there seems to be like 6 people living in a 2 bedroom apartment.

This guy on Constantine I saw earlier on American Horror Story. But to me he'll always be Mr. Shickadance from Ace Ventura.

Complaining about bad tips on Facebook and tagging your business in it isn't a good way to get more tips...especially when you're not in a tip-heavy place. I always tip servers, housekeeping, and hair/nail people. I usually tip coffee people but it doesn't always happen. If I get something that takes less than a minute for you to do then don't expect a lot. If it's a more complex drink then I leave something. I don't tip at fast food even though they do things for me. Tipping is important but don't bitch too much because it won't do you any good.

Boy am I sleepy.

"You are the 7th son of the 7th son!"
Can you imagine Christmas? They don't even mention the daughters.

Oh...wow. I thought this "mud on my boots and jeans" commercial was either a spoof or detergent. Ford kinda lowered the bar.

Stand up for online bullying!

John Constantine is a bed hog.

So, if you're dating Tiger Woods...you have to actually say "This is my boyfriend Tiger." Like, really.

I thought these pants had pockets.

Stuff.

I dreamed that I met Bill Cosby at a bar. He was nice. There was no raping. But...still unsure about the whole real life scandal. We did not address that in the dream. Perhaps I was dreaming about who I hope Bill Cosby is?
I don't have much opinion on the matter other than I hope if he's guilty, then he'll get what he deserves and not make money off of it....and if he's not, then I hope he has a way to get this shit solved. I haven't looked in to the evidence, or lack of, so I can't say one way or another what the deal is. I know that celebrities are easy targets, but I also know that celebrities often get away with shit they shouldn't so...there's that.

I went to DQ tonight to get a treat before I picked up my honey.
Was it cold out? Yes. Did I wear my slippers? Yes. Did I crank my heater while I sat with the window open while I waited for ice cream? Sure did. This is why America is neat.

I'm trying to figure out where to have our wedding ceremony and the internet is super unhelpful. The internet is a cesspool of unhelpful crap. I remember a time when I could look things up and find FAR more information than I needed. Now I'm lucky to find one link with what I need because everything else is- CELEBRITY DIET SECRETS, GUY INVENTS THING THAT GOVERNMENT DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT, WHAT DID CELEBRITY A SAY ABOUT CELEBRITY B, WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHO FLASHED PAPARAZZI, BUY ALL THINGS FOR NO MONEY, GET FREE MONEY FROM BILLIONAIRE, and...this one I'm gonna read actually because I want to see how many people I know fall in to this totally scientific category...6 Warning Signs You're Dating a Narcissist.
*Note- It was a dumb article. It should be called Warning Signs You're Dating an Asshole.*

Boarded up windows

I dream of this one place quite often. It's usually on the outskirts of town, though the town sometimes changes. There are houses that were once grand and towering, that had been turned in to apartments, and eventually boarded up.
Am I dreaming of Detroit? I don't know. There's houses on hills at the end of streets and then a big grassy field that used to be nice but is now a gathering place for homeless folks and wanderers with nowhere else to go.
It reminds me of the photos that go around sometimes of abandoned places. You can see that they used to be full of people and everything was brand new and things had a purpose. But then they get over-grown and people trash things and then it looks spooky. But you can still see how nice it USED to be.
So in the dream last night I was talking to a woman in the grassy area behind the houses. She wasn't old but she looked older than she was because her face was dirty, her clothes were torn, and she was all disheveled. She was maybe 40, the youngest of the group she was with. She said she used to work as a tax assistant of some sort but since she was only needed at one time in the year she couldn't get steady work and that's how she became homeless. She wasn't really worried about herself because she was healthy and could get around. There was a much older lady who wasn't doing so good that she would look out for. They traveled in a group of 7, she said. That's when I realize it was sort of like family (or gang) units that formed and they traveled together but all showed up at this place because they weren't bothered there and it was closed in by houses all around them, so it was relatively safe.
I started to think about what I could get them to eat. It seemed doable to help the 7 of them.
I'm not sure why I was there with them in the first place but I think I was wandering and stumbled upon the semi-sanctuary.
We walked together somewhere in on the way we had to walk by these small fancy boutiques but I couldn't tell if they were open still or if it was just an illusion with pictures in the windows. It still seemed awkward to stomp through the pathways passing windows full of luxurious items but my new friends didn't really seem to notice, as I'm sure they'd walked by them many times.
I was going to go make them some sandwiches but I think I woke up before we got much further.

Not sure why this became a dream blog but...I have them every night so I guess they're bound to make it here. Especially lately...the brain has been working overtime. Time to put it to rest though, and go to work! 

More dreams. Because I keep having them.

To read the wedding dream part, you can go here. http://road2wedding.blogspot.com/2015/01/wedding-nightmare-3-or-4ive-lost-track.html

So the night of the purple dress I dreamed of the same color for what felt like hours.
Purple dress, purple shoes. Later I was making purple cake pops for a friend's daughter. Pretty sure she was wearing the same color of purple. I wonder why it carried on through so many dreams??

The night before I dreamed about a friend I never see and likely won't ever see. But the dreams just kept coming! It was nice though. It was kind of like the old days. It's usually nice when I dream of people I used to be close with because I'll dream of the best times. Or better times that might have never happened. I know I've woken up laughing more than once. But it's still kinda sad because it's either better than the reality or looking back on what won't return.

The most recent, last night, was a fun one. There was a little toy car that had become very collectible. It looked like it might have been out of the Friends (aka Girl) Lego sets. It was like a little white Jeep thing with pink roll bars. It was in a display at a store and I kinda wanted it because it was still the regular price even though it was now worth $98.

(Kinda like that one...)

At this store you could rent a version of the Jeep for $99 a day. I apparently decided to do that because for the rest of the dream I was riding around with someone (who I can't remember) in this awesome little car thing with the tiniest, softest, floppiest dog EVER.
Pretty sure it was just a small dog version of the Snuffalupagus I have next to my pillow. This dog just fell asleep on my chest and I petted it for ages. The sun was on us, since it was an open vehicle of some sort, and we didn't actually have to drive it for some reason. It was very comforting and peaceful.
I knew the owner of this store where we rented the car and borrowed the dog; he owned an airplane, which may or may not have been made of Legos. I know there was a Lego plane somewhere because I was able to take off the top and see that there were teeny little suitcases and stuff in the overhead compartments. It was awesome!

Soap and coffee

I got this Ayurvedic soap for my birthday like 2 years ago from Jeff & Mary.


I've been saving it for a special occasion I guess, because I have yet to use it.
With the impending move I've been trying to use up the miscellaneous bits everywhere so I decided to open it up. Today is now a special occasion. So far it's been "special" but it'll turn out alright.
I got a free chai from the good Captain of La Vita Bela, score! It came with hugs...and a bite of potato. What do you get where you go for coffee?

I dreamed of a weird cranky baby. But it moved around like a much older person. It squished it's own head at one point and I had to reshape it.
I forgot the rest of the dreams that I had last night that made restful sleep not really possible.

Dreams

Jason had a dream that we lived in Florida and he worked at a pirate store.
Sounds kinda nice!

Then there's me. I had a dream that I was shooting a bunch of people with illegal weapons.
I blame Sons of Anarchy and their KG9 storyline because that's what I was using.
It was very quiet and peaceful for a big gun.
I was in a place that looked very much like my high school. I kept opening doors to see who was in the rooms. Ya know...to see if it was someone I wanted to shoot or not.
I'd very quietly open the door to peek in. I kept coming across rooms of children sleeping. I wasn't going to shoot children, sleeping or not, so I'd close the door and move on. I found a room of teenage-ish boys and they were apparently up for grabs. I didn't shoot the 2 geeky ones because they were friends of someone else and I said "friends of so-and-so were friends of mine."
I later went outside with some other people who were similar to people I went to high school with. Suddenly a volleyball came flying at me from the air and I shot it. It made a little ~pop~ noise, which was apparently hilarious because I laaaaughed and laughed.

There was a less creepy dream on that night as well but of course I don't remember that one. The peaceful murder dreams are more memorable apparently.

I think Jason's dream plans are a better idea than mine. 

Oh Facebook...

So many of us have Facebook woven in to our lives. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. But it's interesting to think about. So many people have come and gone, for better and for worse.
I've made new friends, found old friends, and been able to keep in touch with both.
There are people I'm not friends with anymore, for many a reason--many neutral and neither good nor bad, but they'll still appear. Kind of annoying since it tends to brings up memories of things I'd just as soon keep where they were.
Without Facebook I wouldn't know where half my family was and they wouldn't know where I was and I would have lost track of all kinds of people along the way.
The good and bad is that it's hard to escape but it's hard to get lost. I lost track of my oldest friend for years until I tracked her down on Facebook. I've also got lots of "Friends" now, as many of us do. I'm ok with keeping up with the lives of people I'm not as close to as others. Nothing wrong there. It's social media. That's social.
When you have to decide who is "important" enough to invite to a wedding this Face-machine brings up all kinds of questions about who your friends are and what the boundaries are. (Like will they understand if not getting an invite is nothing personal or will that be un-friend worthy?)
Right now the bottom line I've come up with is: In 20 years will the people in my wedding photos still be in my life? Some of them will, some of them won't. And family...well most of them aren't in my life often now so I assume that'll always be the same. It's less of a worry. Family is family. They can come and go and disappear and whatever and we'll still be family. It's a lucky few who have friends that are truly like family. I've never considered that the best thing about my family is that I don't have to worry about them because we don't really question each other all that much. If we show up to something, if we don't, it doesn't matter. We're used to it and it's not relevant to anything else.
I don't know what the moral of the story is here but it's been a pain in the ass and I wanted to vent it out of me.
The End.
For now. 

Old Time Christmas

I miss Christmas. Not for the 300 days it's not exploding in front of my face, but how it used to be. The excitement was always as much about going to grandma's as it was about the presents. Back then all the kids were still kids (and didn't have any yet themselves) and the rarely seen aunts and uncles were a treat.
Grandma's gone now so the decorations are put away, the gatherings are infrequent, and the treats are fewer. With eating being second to only eating in life importance I get to "see" much of my family on the internet at any given moment. Generally, this isn't as much of a treat as when I saw them as a child... It happens. The fact that I likely can't expect to find a big Barbie Mansion in my living room in the morning also takes away some of the holiday thrill.
You know you're a grown up when a super awesome present is a box of various meats! (Thanks mom!)
I got my share of treats this year, and made some of my own, but they don't seem to have the correct ratio of love that grandma added in to them. She worked over a vat of chocolate for days.

At this point in life, I assume regular people start to make their own traditions and whatnot. Last year my honey and I kept watch over the Hunsicker homestead, watched Batman, ate pizza and mac and cheese, and drank lemon beer. It was pretty delightful. Not terribly Christmasy but it was our first go.
This year we had a fancy dinner with one of the many sides of my family. It was nice. Very mature and stuff. Our alternate plan was Chinese food & movies. Maybe that'll be next year.
I still opened my epic stocking; I don't think I've ever missed out on that one. I got a stuffed pink dragon in a tutu from my mommy! I ate too many delicious things and I wore a t-rex Christmas sweater. Pretty damn festive.

But...without grandma, the holiday spirit is a dull glow of what it once was. Maybe it's just a part of getting older--maybe next year I'll get myself a Barbie Mansion to put together and play with at an obscenely early hour Christmas morning. (More likely it'll be a Lego mansion of some sort.)

Until the spirit returns, I'll always have Solstmas. The cheer pressure is much lower when the Pagans are involved. 

I can't hear, smell, or taste.

I've been sick for days. It's exhausting having to focus to breathe. And what do I lay here worrying about? I worry about the house I'm unable to clean, the job that I'm postponing only a day (even though there's probably nothing to do), the job I'm going to struggle to finish, the money I need to put in the bank, the dog who is bored out of her mind. I'm so over this shit. With the exception of the dog, I don't care about any of it. Not one of those things is all that helpful to me other than the money I'll get to pay my bills which are usually not much use to me either. I just had a rage and then had an immediate deja vu which, to me, means I'm entirely correct in my rage. I don't want to do anything for anybody anymore. Not many people do anything for me so why would I spend my energy? I'm not actually upset, as I'm sure I sound, I'm just tired. Decisions need to be made some time. And it's not to say these things aren't good sometimes. They are helpful so I'm not homeless, or people giving me things to do to help out my finances--that's great, but right now I don't care. Coming back to life after 2 days of coma level activity is crap. I try to give my time and it doesn't work so if you want me or need me, you know where to find me. I'll be with my honey doing the shit we want to do.
Not that anyone will be looking. The people who might look, are the people who don't need to generally. If you're on my team, you probably know you are, if you aren't sure then it's likely you're not. There may be some neutrals but for now, I'm just going to ignore it all.

I've never blogged on my phone before.

Seeing as it's nearly 5am and I haven't been able to sleep for hours after waking from a dream where someone was shooting at me, it seemed like a good time as any to do some blogging. Strange things cross your mind at these times. Such as: it smells like stale hippie in here, I wonder what he's muttering about amidst snores next to me, and I wonder if I'll ever find the perfect cupcake.

I also suddenly missed my grandma & remembered, as I have many times, that the year or so before she died I saw less of her than I had in a long time. At least this is how I remember it. Nothing unusual was going on & we never talked as much as some of the rest of the family. I'm not much of a phone person in general. But I also remember being not so in the "mood" for much family time. This had not 1 thing to do with her but that was just the deal at the time. I was having enough issues with the job I hated at the time & didn't have energy for my occasionally bizarre family. I wouldn't call myself a black sheep but I will go with "sparkly sheep." I have little in common with most of them & that's ok, preferable in most ways, but sometimes it's stressful for completely pointless reasons. I love them and I'm pretty sure they love me but I used to over think things more than I do now. I care about THEM but not what they believe or the decisions they make. I have as much input there as they do in my decision making. Since this may have resulted in me seeing less of my grandma when I had the chance it's definitely something I would have changed given the chance. But maybe it didn't make anything different, who knows. The last time I saw her I got a big hug as I was leaving to go to a birthday party for someone I'm not friends with anymore. Seems pretty lame now.
I don't have a time machine & thus is life. 

Finally...amazing beans made by ME!

This is the original recipe but I had to adjust a little bit as I was not cooking for 24 people.
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Mexican-Beans/

So here we go:

I start with about 1/2 pound of beans. That would have been good for us for dinner and maybe some leftovers.
I don't soak my beans but I do rinse them off before I throw them in the pot.

 Put your 1/2 pound of beans in a medium sized pot with about 1 quart of water.
Bring to a boil and then simmer for 2-3 hours. (The original recipe simmers for 3 hours but it's four times as many beans as I'm using here so check after 2 hours or so and see if the beans are tender.)
After about 2 hours your beans will be fairly tender and the water will start getting a little "soupy."

I keep my beans simmering while I put on the bacon.

Cook 4 slices of bacon. When it's done take the slices out and chop them up.
I used about half an onion, half a jalapeno (I'd probably use more if it was only for me), and a small tomato. Dice these pretty small and toss it all in the bacon grease and cook for just a few minutes until your onions are tender.
You can toss the bacon back in and simmer a little longer if you need to.
Add a little bit of salt and garlic powder and anything else you might fancy.

(There's no tomato in this picture cause we didn't have any today. Add more or less of things depending on your taste.)

Dump this fabulous greasy bacon mixture in your pot of beans and cook for another 30 minutes to an hour. Check them after about 30 minutes and see if they are as tender as you like.
I then use the potato smasher to smoosh them up a bit but not to the point of being totally pureed. I like a little bit of chunky bean bits left.

Ideally I'd get some queso fresco from el mercado but I forgot so I just toss my tortilla on the skillet for a minute to warm it up and chow down.