Something that was very present for me this year was the realization and understanding that I've had FAR more invisible barriers for my entire life than I ever considered possible. What I'm still working on is giving myself some god damn grace for it, as I would for anyone else.
Along with my interactions with the world, learning more about myself, coming to understand bigger things better, I've made the discovery that LOVE is an intentional act. I'm talking about romantic, platonic, shallow, rooted, short-lived, eternal, all of it. I believe there are so many kinds of love that we collectively dismiss because it's not what Valentine's Day commercials show.
If you're not actively loving, you're not quite there yet. And that's ok. I didn't realize it until I did. You can love in whatever way you want, but if you're giving it with no reservations, then I applaud you. And I don't mean, like, the "good vibes" or "thoughts and prayers" kind of love. That's care and kindness, which is lovely, but there's something more to it that I can't quite put into words. Maybe some day I'll be able to. The actions are the same, really, but there is something internal that needs to click for it to be genuine. I suppose it's simply the intention. If it's a habit then is it still intentional? I dunno. Maybe for some. Maybe over time it's the same?
The world needs more kindness, which has to be rooted in love. Where else would it come from? Capitalism? No. That's cruel, inherently, by design. Individualism? That's what makes us all amazing, but love is collective. If we're not creating a system in which people are able to feel loved, then we're failing. Not only should we be able to survive, we should be able to thrive around barriers. We all know this, but we can't enact it without the puppeteers working on a large scale. Any of us can do one thing at a time, though, right?
Don't get me wrong, not everyone earns or deserves your active love. But everyone deserves love. Everyone. The worst festering human turd on the planet deserves love. They're only a walking turd because they don't have love in the first place. That doesn't mean it has to come from you. Or me. Or anyone we know. The person to love that turd might not even know they exist, but maybe some day they will fall upon something resembling what they should have had before their turd status fully bloomed. Do not sacrifice yourself for love. Love and trust are the not the same. It's given freely, accepted by those who know it's value, and that's the end of it. Maybe it encourages others to decide to be active in love as well, but that choice is upon them.
All the love in the world can't fix something that's broken, but it can perhaps give space for the tools that can fix things to find their way to the right places. Maybe love can smooth a road for someone. Maybe love can soften a hard landing. Maybe love can offer a realization. The fun and/or horrific part is that we have no idea how it'll go until it's already out there. We can't hold on to the outcome. It's up to us to give it, like releasing a balloon (please never release balloons, it kills animals) and never knowing where it'll land.
So, what am I saying? A bunch of stuff that's very complex whittled down to a few words minutes away from a new year. There are a million different kinds of love and you choose which ones are the most important for you. Make it an action, especially if it involves living things, and release the need for reciprocity. That's what makes it joyful. I'm not saying you should give effort to those who dismiss or devalue you. Nope. That's giving them energy, that's different. Love can use energy but it's like a spout in Wonka's factory--a million dials for all manner of things. Some you always leave on, some you never use, some you're still not sure what to do with. Maybe you even need more, maybe you need to retire some.
All I know for sure is that sometimes I feel like a real life Care Bear and if I can't burst into a rainbow, I don't even know what. It applies to people I love and care for regularly, it applies to people who have been awful to me, it applies to people living in the worse kind of fear imaginable, it applies to people living in the luxury only unethical wealth can provide, it applies to baby kitties on the internet. (It doesn't even mean I always LIKE them.) I want to shoot it out of my glowing tummy in all directions and hope beyond hope that it'll get where I want it to. It often won't. That's ok. I know it's out there. It's not wasted, I have more. You can have some.
I wish I had better words to explain how I'm developing these thoughts but it's a work in progress, and I'm hoping to learn more so that I can speak on it with less chaos. Chaos Bear.
I didn't watch it this holiday season but...to quote a movie that gets at some of what I'm saying; yes, even with all it's now problematic moments:
'Love, actually, is all around."
I hope you find all you need in 2024.
