Benjamin Button of Maturity

Disclaimer: I'm not saying any of the following is good or bad.
I'm not looking for any platitudes or anything.
It's just an observation of my life journey, and I thought it was interesting.
I'm not suffering, other than specific moments, I'm enjoying the ride at this point.

I think a lot of people are doing this to some extent, to which just depends on who they are and how they were made. But I'm going to try to wordify my experience.

I feel like I'm doing a Benjamin Button (he aged in reverse) with my level of maturity. But it's compartmentalized. I MIGHT come out of this hell with a level of being able to "go back" to my youth with what I know now. That's what everybody wants, right? People always say "oh, if I knew then what I know now." Who wouldn't go back and get into or out of some shit that they didn't when they were dumb? I'd most likely get into more shit. Or different shit?

When the pandemic started, and I was working from home, I got dressed more often and got more done. I found that I only wanted to listen to music that I listened to in college/high school. Later, I started listening to music I liked in jr. high. Now that I'm working it all out I suddenly have a great need to listen to 80s Madonna because that was my JAM in elementary school.

I've found that my attitude has been on a similar journey, and all of these carry bits of each of the others when I transition.

I started off with a bit of my college vibe: A mix of back and forth between "this is all I need in life" and "existing is the worst and I can't do anything."

Next, came the high school vibe: "Wtf is wrong with you... You know, what. Nobody cares what I'm doing so I'm just gonna do my thing here and you all can do whatever." With, like, annoyance and sprinkles of #mood (if that would have been a thing back then.)

I'm thinking this places me currently in my jr. high vibe: With the inclusion of my pets being some of my only friends and only wearing stretchy pants or shorts, this is the BEWARE vibe. We can call this the Blevins vibe, because that's the torturous shit hole I was stuck in with my mini army of allies. This mainly consisted of Amy, who is still in my army since 3rd grade- will crush you like a bug, physically or verbally, if you annoy the army; and Terri- beanpole lunatic that is utterly unpredictable but she kinda wants to fuck shit up; and maybe a few others here and there that were allies.

Blevins vibe is as so: Loooong bouts of silence, staying up late for no reason, eating weird stuff for breakfast, and avoiding all the people...until... "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME!? DID YOU JUST LOOK AT MY FRIEND? I WILL PILEDRIVE YOU INTO THIS FUCKING WALL IF YOU SAY SOMETHING. JUST SAY SOMETHING, WON'T YOU." * goes home to sing Madonna and annoy my mother *

Fun sidenote: a psycho kid, who I'm sure is now a psycho adult, called me a "fat whore" one day, for the last time. With the army behind me I attempted to break his legs. Both legs. With my feet. He punched me in the shoulder. We had to go talk to the principal. He got suspended, I got a "well...we get it but please don't fight. Go back to class now."

Second fun sidenote: I once screamed at my PE teacher while we were trying to play indoor kickball. I said some bad words at him and turned around and crossed my arms. I don't entirely remember why but I definitely hated him, and pretty much all PE teachers after that.

So here's the moral of the story. I've refilled my cup of sweetness over and over again in life. I will continue to do so because I'm fucking nice and I like being nice even if everyone else is an asshole.
BUT...
Once you get down to the bottom of the cup, there's a spring loaded napalm of salt and vinegar that will come slap you right in your stupid face. It's not even generally unwarranted though it may be more bitter than necessary.
Also, maybe don't play kickball with me.

Now that I'm all grown and whatever, I can sooometimes do it more tactfully but if my cup is empty it's empty. Nobody knows where the lever is so just be prepared. (My husband might have an idea of when it's getting close but, honestly, I'm usually in weird delightful spirits around that time because there's less weight in the cup. So maybe it's ok with him. He's a bit salty, it doesn't worry him. And I don't aim it at him because he's my pirate and that would be uncool because we share part of the same cup.)