I’m not a unicorn. (Usually*.)

If you know me, you know I have a lot of shower thoughts. Since I’ve switched to the alternative Covid schedule I’ve often been showering at night, at which time I’m just aiming to get out and get comfy. This isn’t the point of this at all, other than today I showered early in the day and had an excess of shower thoughts. So, now I know the difference between my AM & PM shower modes. 

I don’t know why I thought of unicorns. 

My boss and I have a unicorn connection. I don’t know why or where it came from, entirely. I have a unicorn pen and card deck on my desk (I miss you, desk) that we often reference. My boss will reenact the unicorn life advice from my pen. It’s just what we do and who we are. 

One part of the thought was this: I’m not really different from anyone else. Not any more or less than most. But a little bit goes a long way. My life has been weird. It is weird. It will continue to be weird. Some I chose, some I didn’t. Some is good, some is bad. It’s life. Just like everyone else. All stories are different but they still have a beginning, middle, and (hopefully a long ways off) an end. 

I still am not sure how I got to unicorns. 

However I got there, it led to me assertion that I am, in fact, not a unicorn. I’m a muleicorn. Or a donkicorn. That detail is TBD. 

I was not born with a magical horn. I had to build that shit myself. The great thing about becoming your own whatever-icorn is that you get to actually make it what you want. Some people ARE unicorns. They have a special and magical life that most others don’t have. But how would they know any different? Can you know it’s special if you’ve never seen the alternative? Maybe? I’m sure there’s some kind of standard philosophical quite I could throw in there. Insert your own, I guess. 

The thing about the muleicorn is that it can really carry a lot. It can be loaded down and piled high and it’ll just trudge through the path. Muleicorn can carry a lot. Don’t underestimate the muleicorn. 

I can carry a lot. Sometimes it’s too much and things need to be dropped. Sometimes I’m underestimated and I’ll stomp a hoof. But I’m built for this in ways not all are; that’s how my horn was created. My horn is made from stronger stuff than the ones that come on their own. It won’t break or shatter and when the load is too much I’ll need to buck some off and have a little rest by a stream. That’s ok. Nothing to be sad about. We all need a rest sometimes. Watch the hooves though... They may be unpredictable. 

*The exception to my broad statement, because I’ve said it many times, is India. In India, I definitely felt like a unicorn. Unlike anyone in sight in many ways. For some, that would definitely be unsettling but it’s not a position I find threatening or terribly uncomfortable. I think it’s quite enjoyable to be among those who are unlike you. It gives you an opportunity, in different ways than usual, to find out how they ARE like you (because they are) and also to learn about the differences. 

When the stars are aligned and the light is shining in just a certain way I may appear as a unicorn, and feel a little extra sparkle, but it’s just temporary—like fancy shoes. When the festivities die down, I’ll kick off the shoes that pinch and I’ll be back to my good old muleicorn self; not quick or exotic but sturdy and steadfast. Don’t worry about how much I can carry, I’ll let you know when it’s too heavy. 

                                               

Benjamin Button of Maturity

Disclaimer: I'm not saying any of the following is good or bad.
I'm not looking for any platitudes or anything.
It's just an observation of my life journey, and I thought it was interesting.
I'm not suffering, other than specific moments, I'm enjoying the ride at this point.

I think a lot of people are doing this to some extent, to which just depends on who they are and how they were made. But I'm going to try to wordify my experience.

I feel like I'm doing a Benjamin Button (he aged in reverse) with my level of maturity. But it's compartmentalized. I MIGHT come out of this hell with a level of being able to "go back" to my youth with what I know now. That's what everybody wants, right? People always say "oh, if I knew then what I know now." Who wouldn't go back and get into or out of some shit that they didn't when they were dumb? I'd most likely get into more shit. Or different shit?

When the pandemic started, and I was working from home, I got dressed more often and got more done. I found that I only wanted to listen to music that I listened to in college/high school. Later, I started listening to music I liked in jr. high. Now that I'm working it all out I suddenly have a great need to listen to 80s Madonna because that was my JAM in elementary school.

I've found that my attitude has been on a similar journey, and all of these carry bits of each of the others when I transition.

I started off with a bit of my college vibe: A mix of back and forth between "this is all I need in life" and "existing is the worst and I can't do anything."

Next, came the high school vibe: "Wtf is wrong with you... You know, what. Nobody cares what I'm doing so I'm just gonna do my thing here and you all can do whatever." With, like, annoyance and sprinkles of #mood (if that would have been a thing back then.)

I'm thinking this places me currently in my jr. high vibe: With the inclusion of my pets being some of my only friends and only wearing stretchy pants or shorts, this is the BEWARE vibe. We can call this the Blevins vibe, because that's the torturous shit hole I was stuck in with my mini army of allies. This mainly consisted of Amy, who is still in my army since 3rd grade- will crush you like a bug, physically or verbally, if you annoy the army; and Terri- beanpole lunatic that is utterly unpredictable but she kinda wants to fuck shit up; and maybe a few others here and there that were allies.

Blevins vibe is as so: Loooong bouts of silence, staying up late for no reason, eating weird stuff for breakfast, and avoiding all the people...until... "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME!? DID YOU JUST LOOK AT MY FRIEND? I WILL PILEDRIVE YOU INTO THIS FUCKING WALL IF YOU SAY SOMETHING. JUST SAY SOMETHING, WON'T YOU." * goes home to sing Madonna and annoy my mother *

Fun sidenote: a psycho kid, who I'm sure is now a psycho adult, called me a "fat whore" one day, for the last time. With the army behind me I attempted to break his legs. Both legs. With my feet. He punched me in the shoulder. We had to go talk to the principal. He got suspended, I got a "well...we get it but please don't fight. Go back to class now."

Second fun sidenote: I once screamed at my PE teacher while we were trying to play indoor kickball. I said some bad words at him and turned around and crossed my arms. I don't entirely remember why but I definitely hated him, and pretty much all PE teachers after that.

So here's the moral of the story. I've refilled my cup of sweetness over and over again in life. I will continue to do so because I'm fucking nice and I like being nice even if everyone else is an asshole.
BUT...
Once you get down to the bottom of the cup, there's a spring loaded napalm of salt and vinegar that will come slap you right in your stupid face. It's not even generally unwarranted though it may be more bitter than necessary.
Also, maybe don't play kickball with me.

Now that I'm all grown and whatever, I can sooometimes do it more tactfully but if my cup is empty it's empty. Nobody knows where the lever is so just be prepared. (My husband might have an idea of when it's getting close but, honestly, I'm usually in weird delightful spirits around that time because there's less weight in the cup. So maybe it's ok with him. He's a bit salty, it doesn't worry him. And I don't aim it at him because he's my pirate and that would be uncool because we share part of the same cup.)

Shower Rant #1: Gay Cake

The shower seems to be the only time my brain gets to churn things over. That, and the bouts of insomnia. Today was a multi-level shower thoughts day. Item #1: the gay cake/face mask argument. If they can refuse to do business with the gays for being gay, then we can refuse to do business with the maskless for being maskless. Nope. Not the same.

It's a slipper gray slope, even for me, to what extent businesses can refuse to serve people for a million different reasons--dress code, cover charge, intoxication, tattoos, etc. Many of those reasons are due to prejudice and privilege, many are due to safety. Some can be construed as both. We're accustomed to it.

The "I told you so" style post going around is misdirected, in my opinion. It's equating wearing a mask to being gay. We all generally know this is different but the point is directed at people who believe otherwise so you really gotta dumb it down. So, if they say "you know what, this business is totally within their rights to deny me service for not wearing a mask cause this is ‘Merica and that's freedom and nobody has to make no cake for no gays neither!" are we good with that? Are we ok making that an even line? I'm not. Everybody should have cake. (I'll bypass the point about why you shouldn't want your beautiful cake make by a shithead in the first place. I don't have it in me to start that too.)

One point is about the safety and well-being of others and one point is about being a hateful hypocritical prick. DIFFERENT. I have other bullet points I could add here but I'll get off topic. I did in the shower.

You can't catch gay. You can catch Covid. You can't die from a random surprise of gay marriage. You can die from not wearing a seatbelt. Rules are for safety. They aren't generally based on who you ARE as a HUMAN. They are across the board. Like, if you're not tall enough then you can't ride the roller coaster...it’s not if you’re not tall enough and didn’t adopt a shelter pet. It's not based on your qualities otherwise.

You aren't refused a driver’s license if you are just an asshole, but they'll limit you if you've been unsafe. You aren't denied insurance just because you're an asshole, but the price changes based on your habits. There's nothing keeping you from doing anything that you aren't doing to yourself when rules are made about safety. A VERY small number of people have specific health and wellness problems that are made more difficult by wearing a mask. Now, if they are an asshole and don't have any friends to help them out well that sucks for them.

If the thing you're doing isn't worth a few minutes of a slight annoyance, is it actually worth doing? I mean, do you NEED to go to the Dollar Store? Really? And if you do need to, then toughen up. We need to get over ourselves. Every time we have to do something slightly annoying we should consider the people who volunteered to do it for endless hours simply because we need to have a barbecue with all the neighbors.